Vault Master Rants: Horror Feminists

TRUTH.

To preface this post, I just want to state that I love women. I have ever since I was a little kid; I never went through that "ewww, girls are icky stage." They fascinate me to this day because even when I think I've got them figured out... I realize that I am totally wrong. (The man who finally DOES figure out the opposite sex will rule the world!) I love my mother, and grandmother, my sisters, my fiancee, and all of those in between. They have a different view of the world than I do, and have provided me with an emotional blueprint that I may otherwise be lacking. (To the dudes: They are the Subotai to my Conan. When I don't cry; they cry for me.) They are pillars of strength in my life and helped forge me into the person I am today. For that I am quite thankful.

The question you may pose to me now is do I see them as my equals? In many cases, yes I do. Sometimes I consider them my superiors. But there are things that I can do better than them. That's not being sexist, that's just the truth. Everyone is good at something, but not always at the same thing. I can cook basic stuff (I'm a master at grilled cheese sandwiches and pancakes), but my fiancee can put on a feast! She can top off the fluids in her car and change a flat tire, but I'm the one who changes the oil and takes it into the shop when it needs something major fixed. We're a team! The same applies to every other female in my life; we all learn from each other and grow as people.

And don't think that I'm making myself out to be a saint, because I most definitely am not. Do I occasionally objectify women? Yeah I do at times... but those cosplay chicks are totally asking for it! (Calm down! I'm kidding!) Do I make sexist remarks and jokes? Absolutely, but it's not limited to women. I tend to make fun of everybody, for everything and anything, and that includes myself. I like to poke fun at others, and I can take what I can dish out. But I also know when to cool it; I know when to shut my yap and respect others.

Which brings me to feminism. I understand it, and support it to an extent, but in my belief people are just people. We  label everyone in our society so it's difficult to see a person as just a person. Race, creed, gender... it all actually doesn't matter, but we're taught growing up that it does. Women who are feminists are striving for equality with men, which I think is more than fair. If a women can do the same work as I can (or do an even better job) then she most definitely deserves equal pay. If a woman wants to partake in a sport despite the risks, then let her give it a shot. Life is about pursuing our dreams and finding our limits. Those rights belong to everyone.

Enjoy some nightmare fuel!

And then there are the extremists; the ones that use feminism as a cover. While it may be a "man's world," women have certainly carved out a place amongst us. But some aren't content and lash out at us "cruel oppressing males" under the guise of promoting female equality. And some of them happen to be hiding out in the horror community, right under our very noses. :: cue shocked gasps and ominous music ::

Ok, I'm being melodramatic, but an incident occurred in a little corner of the web the other night that  raised my hackles and got me involved in an argument that I probably normally would have avoided. A gentleman by the name of Herner Klenthur posted a Top Ten List of NEW Masters of Horror. It's just  a quick opinion piece featuring ten directors that Herner believed were Masters of Horror material. While not everyone will agree with his choices, it's a solid list and not incendiary in the least.

And then it happened. Someone calling herself Hannah Neurotica posted a comment saying "Really?! Not one woman on that list...."

Now, it's my belief that this top ten list was partially user generated as Herner asked Horror-Movies.ca fans on Facebook who they considered to be a new Master of Horror. And before the can of worms was flung open, I sat and thought to myself... there really aren't any women working in the genre as directors that would be fitting of the Master of Horror moniker. Most of the mainstream female directors who started off in the horror genre (e.g. Kathryn Bigelow and Mary Lambert) moved on to bigger things, or just steady work in other genres. They earned their ability to pick and choose their projects.

To be sure, there are dozens of other female horror directors, but most of them work in the indie/micro-cinema world, and have yet to break out into something bigger. In an age where anyone can be a filmmaker thanks to digital film and editing, there's so many voices shouting "watch my movie!" that a lot of them get lost in the crowd. It's a grueling business whether you're a man or woman, and more often than not, a lot of films and their creators just fade into obscurity.

And then the flame-war began. While one commenter made some suggestions for Herner to look into, Ms. Hannah Neurotica went on the attack and called him a lazy journalist who needed to expand his horizons. A few people jumped in on Herner's side and Ms. Neurotica seemed to back down and all was well.... and then this blog post appeared: The New (ALL MALE) Masters of Horror.

This post really set me off. I usually don't go out of my way to defend someone, but this was what us guys call, a "dick move." This post was meant to, as I said in one of my many comments, "rattle some sabers." It's essentially an attempt at a smearing campaign to vilify a harmless Top Ten List written by a more than amiable writer. This wasn't about feminism now; this was simply about being a bully and using overly feminist rhetoric to try and make some waves and engage in some self-promotion.

What resulted was a verbal smackdown from myself and several other writers, with (in my opinion) the heaviest blow coming from a FEMINIST HORROR BLOGGER. Check out what she had to say here: DAY OF THE WOMAN - HORROR-MOVIES.CA DOESN'T LIST ANY WOMEN AS "10 NEW MASTERS OF HORROR," AND WHY YOU SHOULDN'T BITCH ABOUT IT.

The situation has since been defused (as far as I can tell) but I won't be surprised if Ms. Neurotica and her cronies rise up to create more drama again in the near future. And just who exactly is Hannah Neurotica? Well she is one of the masterminds behind WOMEN IN HORROR MONTH (something I didn't promote in the past and now refuse to promote in the future). Their quest is to promote women in the horror biz (particularly in the low-to-no budget film arena) one month a year.... in a month that boasts Groundhog Day, Valentine's Day, and is already taken for "Black History Month." While I'm sure they mean well, creating drama and utilizing bully tactics on the web will not further their cause in my eyes.

Speaking of their cause: Back in January 2012, the editor of Fangoria magazine posted a letter basically saying "Women in Horror Month? Really?! This needs to be a thing? Don't we celebrate women in the genre all the time?!" While maybe not entirely PC, he clearly made the point that his publication covered women in horror on a very frequent basis, and he didn't see the need for Women in Horror Month to exist. (Check out Chris Alexander's letter HERE.) Skip ahead a year and interestingly enough.... Women In Horror Month is now officially recognized by Fangoria Magazine. Way to stick to your guns guys.

So to close this all out, to Hannah and the rest of her WOMEN IN HORROR MONTH friends: Play nice with others and don't resort to bully tactics to promote your cause. Fight the good fight against someone that is being overly chauvinistic and making things difficult for women that are trying to persevere in the horror business. Starting up a flame-war and creating drama like you gals did should be beneath you. And perhaps you should just scrap the whole WOMEN IN HORROR MONTH thing and create a "Women in Horror League?" Why not focus on the hard-working women in the horror genre all year long?!

To any women reading this: Thank you. Thanks for putting up with all our stupid macho bullsh*t on a daily basis; most of us guys are basically just giant kids. Thanks for helping many of us guys raise our kids (not speaking from personal experience.... yet). Thanks to all our mothers who put the fear of God in us (literally and figuratively) and loved us all unconditionally. And thank you to all the actresses, producers, directors, editors, and other filmmaking ladies who have contributed to the art of cinema over the years. You are all heroes in my eyes.

With that all said, get in that kitchen and make me a sammich!

WAIT! STOP! I WAS KIDDING! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

My thoughts on the recent Missouri movie theater shenanigans.

Before I even get into this, let me tell you how I feel towards the news media here in America: I hate it! I tend to avoid the evening news, and only scan through the morning paper in hopes for something interesting in the Entertainment section, or find some piece of thought-provoking social/political commentary, or even a good old-fashioned human interest story. But typically I avoid the news because it is all sensationalist, fear-mongering, bullsh*t!

Yes, bad things happen daily in this world, but you know what? A lot of good stuff is happening too. Great stuff in fact, that the media isn't even covering! And all those car wrecks, rapes, murders, abductions, and gun-related crimes that are tossed into our face every night on TV? Yeah, that stuff happened (and are happening as we speak), but they are happening LESS FREQUENTLY. Gun violence is down (despite a huge surge in gun and ammo purchases), rape is down, murders have gone down... but do we hear about it? Nope!

We live in a perpetual state of fear in America and its leading to so much idiocy. Grade school kids face expulsion if they try to play cops and robbers (paper guns are not allowed!), if teens get into a fistfight in school the cops roll in and hand out tickets (what happened to the principal and parents dealing with this stuff?), and our day to day privacy is infringed upon by various (government and private) organizations under the guise of protecting the American people. (TSA likes to see through your clothes to fight terrorism!) Seriously, this all has to stop! Take a deep breath America, clear your head, and start using your collective brains!

With all that said, let's talk about this.....

After "The Dark Knight Rises" shooting in Aurora, Colorado last July, people were admittedly shaken. Theaters were one of the last "safe havens" in the world. People pay a(n outrageous) fee to escape into a fantasy world for two hours to get away from the daily grind. What's even cooler is that everyone in the theater shares the experience, so when a movie does things right, everyone laughs, cheers, cries, or has some sort of emotional response at the same moment. It's truly a thing of beauty. The moment the Aurora shooting happened, I was beyond irate, because a movie theater is the equivalent of a church in my eyes; it's holy ground!

Which leads me to the "breaking news" about Bob Wilkins, a movie theater manager in Jefferson City, Missouri, who decided to spice up the screening of IRON MAN 3. He had cosplayers (seen in the photo above) come in as Iron Man, Nick Fury, and (poorly dressed) S.H.I.E.L.D. agents and scientists, some of them armed with plastic guns. Even in the picture you can see that they are toys. However, in a slight miscalculation, I guess the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents invaded a theater and spooked the patrons.

Naturally the police were called, and now the media is having a field day with poor Bob. Did he make a mistake? Well, yes and no. Personally I think he should have had the cosplayers out front in the lobby to meet, greet, and take photos with the moviegoers, or have fake Nick Fury and Iron Man lead the way before the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents burst in. Hell, they could've even went the "E.T." route and given all the agents walkie-talkies instead of toy guns.

Regardless, Bob Wilkins is being made out to be an idiotic villain, and I personally wonder "Will he lose his job for this?" (As opposed to the mob mentality that "He should lose his job over this!") I can kind of see why people may have panicked, but really folks, if someone was going to shoot up a theater, they'd probably just burst in the door and open fire, not put on some sort of show beforehand. It's like Tommy Lee Jones said in MEN IN BLACK: " A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it."

Personally, I applaud Bob's (honorable but failed) attempt to liven things up, because going to the theater anymore kind of sucks (unless there's an Alamo Drafthouse nearby). I remember when going to the movies was an event, especially when Summer blockbuster season came around. Now visits to the movie theater have lost their luster, for various reasons best explored in a future rant. Showmanship needs to make a comeback; theaters (particularly the large chains) need to start making trips to the movies fun again!

So good on you Bob for trying to get people to see the (lackluster) IRON MAN 3. I'm sorry things didn't quite work out, and sincerely hope you don't lose your job over this. Theaters need more managers like you who want to go above and beyond to create a memorable experience, but in the future, think things through a bit, lest you suffer another media backlash.

To the media and internet blogosphere... shame on your for vilifying this man! Some people are still trying to move on from the Aurora tragedy, and here you are dragging its tattered remains back into the limelight. So the theater manager tried to do something fun and harmless, and a few people lost their sh*t. That's no reason to drag his name through the mud and remind everyone of a tragic event. Shut your damned mouths and start reporting some real news!

To the customers who called the cops.... I can't get mad at you for that, especially if you had kids with you. You saw what you thought was a genuine threat and you reacted to it. Enjoy the multitude of free movie passes and snack coupons you most likely received as recompense.

To the former soldier who's PTSD was supposedly triggered by this failed stunt: WHY THE F*CK WERE YOU SEEING A MOVIE FILLED WITH EXPLOSIONS AND A MAIN CHARACTER THAT SUFFERS FROM PTSD?! (***MINOR SPOILER ALRERT!***) If some kids in fake SWAT costumes set off your PTSD, then what would the movie have done?! I'm calling bullsh*t on this guy!

Vault Master Rants: REMAKES!

REMAKES! The very word sends shivers of anger down the spines of millions; causes thousands to groan or sigh in anguish. I myself have reactions like this, but why? Why does this one word inspire so much malice; why does it have so much terrible power?! Well mainly because remakes, especially the ones that have been released in the past decade or so, have been mostly mediocre or just plain awful. But why does Hollywood insist on creating remakes of older films that we hold dear to our hearts, and why are so many of them so sub-par? Well, perhaps my meandering thoughts and theories might shed some light on the subject.

REMAKE by definition means to "make anew or in a different form," so the idea is to take something old and breathe new life into it, either by updating the story to be more palpable for modern audiences, or by taking the core idea and doing something completely different with it. This is dangerous territory to be in if you're penning a remake (or a redo, or a reimagining, or a reboot, or whatever you want to call it) because a delicate balance must be maintained: You've got to cater to the fans of the original film (which can be done in a variety of ways, such as callbacks to scenes or quotes from the original work) but you've got to modernize it and create something that today's audiences (with all their newfangled technology and short attention spans) will want to see.

But why remakes? Why can't Hollywood come up with anything original? (A question I hear almost daily.) Well the fact of the matter is... it's all been done folks. We have literally created every iteration of every story known to man; the mines of creativity have been depleted. At this point in human history, every tale has been told and retold. Even actor Robert Englund (who I had the pleasure of seeing in person during a Q&A session I attended two years ago) has said this. Even before that, a gent named Kirby Ferguson brought this fact to my attention years ago with his excellent EVERYTHING IS A REMIX series of videos.

Occasionally, somebody brings something new to the table (e.g. "The Matrix" trilogy introduced us to bullet time) but it is quickly gobbled up by the studios and exploited  at every turn until finally, the audiences (and critics) lose interest, forcing the powers that be in Hollywood to rethink their strategies. And this is nothing new because it's been happening for decades. Take Ridley Scott's ALIEN for instance. Penned by Dan O' Bannon (rest in peace sir), the film presented us with a new type of monster (courtesy of H.R. Geiger and Stan Winston), and an invasive horror theme that shocked audiences.

It was followed up with three sequels (each one getting worse as the series wore on), two crossover films, a confusing prequel (that is in the process of getting sequelized), and a seemingly infinite number of rip-offs. The series is a cash cow, and once it came out, everyone wanted in on the action. Aside from bridging the original to the PROMETHEUS films, or doing another sequel, or a third ALIEN VS. PREDATOR film, there is only one way to milk the franchise: Remake it.

Pictured: The final step before a remake grudgingly goes into production.

Now this isn't leading up to me reporting that ALIEN is being remade (gosh I hope that doesn't happen, the original still looks great and plays out wonderfully), or suggesting that it should be remade, but I'm trying to illustrate that eventually, you hit a wall with a film franchise. Sequels are tricky, especially if actors from previous installments are either too old, not interested, or deceased, and crossovers are harder to do than remakes, because you have TWO or more groups of rabid fans that you are trying to appease.

And remember, making films is not an artistic endeavor for major studios: It's a business, and the goal of a business is to make money. It doesn't matter if the final product is good or bad. What matters to the key players in Hollywood is "will I get a good return on this project?" With all that in mind, I can't really blame studios for churning out remakes, especially since they've been doing them as early as 1904. (According to my research, "The Great Train Robbery" released in 1903 was the first film to ever be remade!)You read that correctly folks... remakes have existed for over one hundred years!

By the way, have you ever seen the HOUSE OF WAX remake with Paris Hilton? It really made you pine for the original right? Well guess what? The "original" HOUSE OF WAX starring Vincent Price was (gasp!) a remake of the 1933 classic MYSTERY OF THE WAX MUSEUM! And how many times have the tales of Dracula, Frankenstein's Monster, The Phantom of the Opera, and Cinderella (the most remade story/film of all time) been put on celluloid over the decades?

Now you're probably thinking to yourself "Wait a minute Jordan.... it almost seems like you're defending remakes!" Well I am and I'm not; the point I'm trying to make is pretty much "stop bitching and whining about remakes." They're nothing new, you can't stop them from happening, and are almost inevitable in this day and age. Don't stand there and complain that there's nothing original anymore because ORIGINALITY IS DEAD AND EVERYTHING IS A REMIX! All you can really do is hope that the remakes hit theaters are at least well-made, have an engaging storyline and at least a few likeable characters, and hopefully a good cast. (And practical effects over CGI please. I hate CGI... but that is a rant for another day.)

Which brings me to how the big studios have been doing with their remakes in recent years, which is to say... not very well. I can only think of a handful of remakes that actually get the formula correct and turned out to be just as good as, if not even a bit better than, the original film. They take the core idea and change it up just enough to set themselves apart from the original, and the results have sometimes been impressive. In the 80's you had the triple threat of "The Blob," "The Fly," and "The Thing" (which is technically not a remake but a more accurate adaptation of "Who Goes There?"), which all follow the basic template of the classic films, but made interesting changes to the plot and characters, and added in copious amounts of mind-blowing practical f/x!

Stay! I'll put coffee on!

The tale of a silly glob of protoplasm from space that engulfs a few denizens of a small town in the "The Blob," became a flesh-melting gore-fest about science gone terribly wrong in the remake. (The blob was part of a Cold War military experiment if memory serves.) The charming (yet goofy) "The Fly," had a scientist and a fly switch heads after a minor whoops involving teleportation. In the redo, the same thing occurs, but with far more ickier consequences. Aside from Jeff Goldblum's mutation (which is glorious!) you get a cool character arc about a scientist that is trying to do something to help mankind, who then experiences an accident that at first seems beneficial, but in truth is slowly turning him into a monster.

And John Carpenter's The Thing? I could go on an on all day about that one. In the Howard Hawkes' classic, an alien being is thawed out of the Antarctic ice and stalks the crew of a U.S. military base. Attempts to shoot it, burn it, and communicate with it fail, so they electrocute the creature from another world, and end his short reign of terror. In the 80's redo, the creature thaws out and goes to work trying to replicate/assimilate everyone on the base. Tensions run high, paranoia strikes deep, and messy deaths and transformations highlight the already increasingly awesome proceedings!

In the 90's we had Tom Savini's brilliant remake of George A. Romero's NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, which kept all of the same elements (the hero is a strong black male; people trapped in a farmhouse fighting off a sudden invasion of the living dead) but made an extremely intelligent move by having Barbara (who was completely catatonic until eaten by her undead brother and all his friends in the original) become a strong female character.

More recently, there's been an increase in lousy and mediocre remakes, but a few have stood out from the crowd. Some of my favorites include James Gunn's DAWN OF THE DEAD, MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D (the only 3D film I truly enjoyed in the theater), and THE CRAZIES (Romero's original is a classic in its own right but just didn't rock my world). Also, the new EVIL DEAD, though lacking in some respects, was pretty darned good as well, if only because it was so unapologetic with its gore.

Now, I know I'm focusing a lot on horror remakes, but that's because they are the current trend in Hollywood, mainly because the genre has become a very lucrative business in the past decade. No really, it's true! Every single horror film released in theaters this year was the NUMBER ONE MOVIE IN THE BOX OFFICE during their respective opening weekends. The number of horror conventions (along with fantasy, sci-fi, and mixed genre cons), 35mm film screenings, and horror film festivals has increased by a staggering amount. It truly is a good time to be a horror fan, and the studios know this.

That is why more genre remakes are on the way including: CARRIE (it doesn't look too bad, plus I love Chloe Grace Moretz), ROBOCOP (a movie that made fans so angry that it's release was pushed back to 2014), OLDBOY (directed by Spike Lee?! Whaaa?), PET SEMATARY (No!), THE CROW (Oh, c'mon!), THE ORPHANAGE (Really? That's not even an old movie!), AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (Blasphemy!), BARBARELLA (:: shrugs ::), GODZILLA (I'm actually looking forward to this, especially after the 1998 Roland Emmerich travesty), WESTWORLD (I could almost get behind this one.), SHORT CIRCUIT (A sequel would be preferred.), THE WARRIORS (I'm torn on this one...!), and there's so many more!

Johnny Five is alive! AND ANNOYED!

Damn it Hollywood, the idea is to remake films that can be IMPROVED UPON! Many of the ones I just listed are heralded classics and stand up extremely well today! And that's the main rule that all the big studios should abide by: "Don't remake it unless you can somehow improve upon the original film, or at least improve some major elements from it." The successful remakes are the ones that feel familiar and new at the same time; that deliver a fresher spin on something we've already seen (and loved) before. But at some point in the (not so) creative process, something gets left out. Someone forgets that "Hey, I know we're trying to put a different spin on things, but shouldn't we try and make this a good movie first and foremost?"


Ah hell, f*ck remakes! Yeah, I know I previously told all of you to quit "whining and bitching," but I can't help it. I tried to be logical, and tried to look at all this as objectively as possible, but I just can't come to terms with the continued onslaught of remakes. I guess it's just plain old human nature to complain about something we have no control over and simply must accept. (Like bills, taxes, shitty drivers, pop music, inflation, religion, politics, etc.) Some of you are probably thinking "Well hey, we can do our part and not go to the theaters to see any of these upcoming remakes. Then Hollywood will get the idea and stop making them," and in a perfect world, you'd be one-hundred percent correct.

Sadly we live in the real world, where thousands still flock to see these unnecessary recreations of the films you and I wax nostalgic over. Those of us that are "wise," may stay home in silent protest (but usually go see the movies we bitch about because there's that tiny chance it might actually be really good), but the masses ultimately choose the outcome.

To conclude my rant (because if I don't stop now, I'll ramble on for another page or two), remakes have been, and always will be around, even moreso since studios are looking for easy cash-grabs. Some will be good, some will be bad, most will be mediocre. And despite our complaints about the unoriginality of Hollywood, and our best efforts to avoid the oncoming deluge of remakes, we will continue to be inexplicably drawn to theaters again and again to carry out this vicious cycle.

But there is a silver lining my friends, and that is this: We will always have the originals. (Well... unless you're talking about the bastardized STAR WARS trilogy which has been criminally altered forever.) To illustrate this one final point, let's choose one of the more high profile remakes that will be coming out in the next year: I choose you ROBOCOP!

The question I will now pose to you is this: What if the ROBOCOP remake sucks?

The Answer: Who cares?! Worse things have been done to the character in film and television in the past. (Particularly that awful live-action series that weakens and totally emasculate Robo. How the hell did it last a full season?!)

Plus, the existence of the remake guarantees two things:

1.) It doesn't matter how good or bad the remake is going to be, because the original film that started it all will remain the way it always has been. (i.e. PERFECT).

2.) The remake will create interest in the original film. Younger generations that may have never heard of ROBOCOP, or may have written it off as a "stupid movie," will discover it, and most likely fall in love with it.

And those two guarantees apply to every single remake. (And sequels and prequels as well.) So take the coming remake apocalypse in stride fellow cinephiles, and remember to embrace the originals and share them with others. If we do that, then we shall survive in these harsh cinematic times.

Evil Dead Memories

With the EVIL DEAD remake just days away, I've been absorbing all the positive and negative discussions about the film on the web. I watch every trailer and TV spot that comes my way (even if I'm watching something I DVR'd) and I just can't help but get psyched out for this new retelling of an old favorite. I've always been a big fan of the Evil Dead series (I own toys, comic books, and various DVD and Blu-ray releases of the films, plus I've seen them all on the big screen in 35mm!) and though I had myself convinced that I was pretty much sick of them (and remakes), I have to admit that I'm becoming a Deadite all over again with the impending release of Fede Alvarez' take on Raimi's horror classic.

Gah! So. Damned. CREEPY!

What's even cooler? Kids that never even knew the original trilogy existed have been checking them out (mostly via NetFlix) and LOVING THEM. It's cool to see today's youth discovering and embracing these classic comedic Horror flicks and listening intently as I share trivia and notify them that there is in fact a third Evil Dead called ARMY OF DARKNESS.


All this Evil Dead talk lately has been making feel quite nostalgic, so I thought I'd type up a quick blog post and share my past with Sam Raimi's beloved horror trilogy. First, let me kick things off with a confession: I saw EVIL DEAD II first! I originally heard about the film decades ago from a relative of mine. I lived a sort of sheltered life and my mother disapproved of me watching any horror films. (Though, oddly enough, JAWS was ok, as was Q: The Winged Serpent, and various other films featuring dinosaurs, dragons, monsters, and sharks.) My cousin Tony on the other hand, though younger than myself, was allowed to watch all the good stuff. He is the reason I even discovered that Evil Dead existed.

One afternoon as I was hanging out with him, and we were talking about various things that pre-teens discuss (cartoons, toys, Nintendo games, boobies, etc.) when he told me about a cool movie where a guy in a cabin fought monsters with a chainsaw and a shotgun. The concept floored me; I had to see it! But there was no internet, video store visits were patrolled by the parents, and I didn't know anyone who owned a copy. Even if I did, the parental units would have shut down my mission to watch anything involving blood, guts, and human dismemberment.

And then, on a fateful day whilst wandering around a Sam's Club (I was 14 going on 15 at the time), I made an awesome discovery: VHS double features on sale for ten bucks! Already a VHS hoarder with a collection of hundreds of alphabetized cassettes, I was drawn to them like a moth to a flame. Upon glancing over the stacks of movies, one double feature in particular immediately caught my eye: EVIL DEAD II and DAY OF THE DEAD! I felt a rush of adrenaline and grabbed the two tapes! I stared wide-eyed at the covers..... I had finally found my cinematic holy grail plus it came with the sequel to Night and Dawn of the Dead! SURELY A GOD, OR EVEN THE GOD HAD SMILED UPON ME! CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH?! CAN I GET AN AMEN?!!

THE HOLY GRAIL OF A YOUNG, ASPIRING HORROR FAN!

I made an instant beeline to my parents, shoved it at them and begged for it. I'm sure in another universe, young Jordan was told "no," and he never got to experience the awesome that was contained on those two VHS tapes. But in this universe, I was given the standard, "OK, but you gotta do yardwork/chores/homework to earn it," and victory was mine! As soon as we got home, I popped some popcorn, grabbed a soda, and ran upstairs to my bedroom with my treasured VHS tapes. Though I was very curious about DAY OF THE DEAD, I knew which film I would be watching first.

I tore off the plastic, shoved EVIL DEAD II into my VCR, and braced myself for terrors beyond my wildest dreams; for one man's brutal survival against supernatural forces. Imagine my surprise when it turns out that the movie was not all that frightening. Still it was cool as hell, and full of glorious gore, gruesome stop-motion animation, impressive makeup f/x, plus  it was really funny too! (The scene with all the laughing furniture put a big dumb grin on my face!) Once I finished it, I rewound the tape, then watched it again! I was enamored with EVIL DEAD II and couldn't get enough of it! I then decreed that the first one would also be mine!

As time passed, I made sure to share this cinematic gem with others when possible, and made sure to talk it up at every chance I got. Eventually, my friends were worn down by my constant praising of the adventures of Ash, and one night I FINALLY got them to watch it. We crowded into the living room of my buddy Mike's house, and popped the tape in. At first everyone was heckling the movie and taking some potshots at it (threats of tugging it from the VCR were also made), but it quickly began to win them over. When the end credits began to roll they agreed that what I had visited upon then was weird, but that they actually really liked it. (Sadly years later, when I tried to introduce them to Army of Darkness, they were not as receptive. THE FOOLS!)

A few short years later, I reached a milestone in my life: My folks purchased a brand new computer just for me, plus they had a second phone line installed! This was doubly awesome because having my own phone line meant that I could connect to that newfangled internet thing that allowed you to download pictures and videos, and tap into the collective knowledge of humanity. (Plus you could play games over the web and look at porn!) This is when I discovered Sgt. Andrew Borntreger's Badmovies.Org. I had never seen anything like it and I eagerly read through the entire site in a few days. Because of Andrew's awesome online hub of b-movie knowledge, I got my first taste of the original Evil Dead and also discovered that there was a third movie: ARMY OF DARKNESS!

More importantly, my discovery of Badmovies.Org inspired me to learn how to build a website from scratch, and share my opinions and movie knowledge with the world. Because of Sgt. Borntreger, The B-Movie Film Vault exists. He was my muse, provided tips and ideas, and was the first major site to link to my chintzy little Geocities b-movie site. As we joke about from time to time: The Vault is the illegitimate child of Badmovies.Org! For that, I thank you immensely Andrew!

In any case (got a little sidetracked there) I eventually started work at a Suncoast (a dying breed of DVD and movie memorabilia stores that was typically overpriced and terribly managed) just before the big DVD boom hit, and that's where I picked up my VHS tape of Army of Darkness! Naturally I loved it, but the original film that started it all still eluded me. Also, since I was working alongside some hardcore horror fans (who also thankfully introduced me to the films of Lucio Fulci, Dario Argento, and Peter Jackson), I learned that Army of Darkness had an alternate ending (i.e. the original ending that test audiences didn't care for), which I would eventually see for myself when I bought Anchor Bay's "Bootleg Edition" of "AoD," not once, but twice!

For the record, I actually prefer the director's cut with the post-apocalyptic ending. As fun as it is to see Ash battling a "she-bitch" in the aisles of S-Mart, I totally dig the original ending where he ends up sleeping too long and exits his burial chamber to discover modern day England in shambles.

HAHAHA! MANUFACTURED PRODUCTS!

And I did eventually get my paws on THE EVIL DEAD (procured rather cheaply on VHS at Wal-Mart of all places) but my young mind processed it as the weakest of the trilogy. Quite frankly... I hated it.

Now before you shout "HERETIC!" and starting lobbing stones (both literal and figurative), bear in mind that I saw the original film LAST. Both Evil Dead II and Army of Darkness had higher budgets, "splatstick" craziness, and a really cool antagonist that was highly quotable. In the original "Evil Dead," things are played straight for the most part, and Ash is not the one-liner spewing bad-ass we've all come to love and know. It was just too much of a slowburn horror film for me, especially after experiencing its two followups.

Skip ahead to recent years and I now have a definite appreciation for the original Evil Dead (though I still prefer Evil Dead II and Army of Darkness). Considering what Raimi and his buddies had to go through to get that movie made (chronicled in IF CHINS COULD KILL by Bruce Campbell, a damned good book that you should own), and the fact that it was released uncut in theaters and still made a nice profit (take that MPAA!), the film's sequels, continuously growing fanbase, and heck, even its very existence is miraculous!

Since discovering Evil Dead II so many years ago, I have accrued a small collection of Evil Dead-related goodies. My current collection includes: The out of print Army of Darkness Boomstick Edition DVD, Evil Dead (2-disc Limited Edition Blu-ray), Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn (the beautiful and non-expensive Lionsgate Blu-ray), Evil Dead and Evil Dead II Book of the Dead Editions on DVD (which are slowly rotting away now in a display case), bootlegs of WITHIN THE WOODS (the short film that Raimi shot in order to get funding for Evil Dead), Evil Dead: The Musical, and Army of Darkness: The Musical, an S-Mart Ash figure, a McFarlane Toys Ash and Evil Ash (Series 3 I believe), an Ashley J. Williams tee from Fright-Rags, and finally a small Evil Dead II poster.

I'm not as hardcore as some Deadites, but I think I occupy a comfortable middle ground. Though my collection may be small, I think the fact that I've worn out/upgraded several items in my Evil Dead collection gives me a definite edge over more casual fans. Just for fun, I've included a tally below of how many times I've purchased each movie, how many Evil Dead-related shirts I've worn out, and how many times I've seen each movie on the big screen.

My Evil Dead tallies:
EVIL DEAD - Saw it once theatrically; purchased it 4 times. (VHS tape, Single disc DVD, Book of the Dead Edition DVD, and 2-Disc Limited Edition Blu-ray).

EVIL DEAD II - Saw it once theatrically; purchased it 5 times. (VHS tape, Anchor Bay DVD, Book of the Dead Edition DVD, Anchor Bay Blu-ray, Lionsgate Blu-ray)

ARMY OF DARKNESS - Saw it once theatrically; purchased it 4 times. (VHS tape, Bootleg Edition VHS tape, Bootleg Edition DVD, 2-disc Boomstick Edition DVD) Note: I will be seeing it again on the big screen on June 8th at the Hudson Horror Show!

Evil Dead shirts worn out: 2. I wore my THIS IS MY BOOMSTICK! and my HAIL TO THE KING BABY! tees so often that the graphics were nearly worn off, and each one was full of holes. Even though they were basically rags when I finally threw them out, it pained me to do it.


So how big is your Evil Dead collection? How many times have you seen the movies? How many times have you bought them? What's your most prized Evil Dead collectible? Have you met Bruce Campbell, Ted Raimi, or Sam Raimi? Are you stoked for the new EVIL DEAD?! Do you think Raimi and The Chin will actually go through with a second Army of Darkness?! Share your thoughts below or over on Facebook or Twitter!

By the way, EVIL DEAD premieres tomorrow night at 10 PM at most theaters. Get your tickets online or get there early because I think this movie is going to rock the box office!

Vault Master Rants: Being a "film buff" and b-movie fan.

Note: This post wasn't written with anyone particular in mind; I was just venting, mainly because I get a lot of flack from friends and coworkers about my viewing habits. Also I'm not a big fan of people that think that their opinions of movies are the only ones that matter. So don't be afraid to actually contact me online and ask me if I've seen something, or to discuss movies. Sorry for any confusion!

Before I delve into the point of this post, allow me to get all nostalgic and set the backdrop for you:

I've been obsessed with film since I was a tyke. During (and for a while after) my formative years, making friends was difficult for me, so I turned to the fantastical world of cinema to occupy my pre-adolescent mind. Growing up I had two awesome things going for me in this respect: Video stores (still in their infancy) were everywhere, and numerous television channels had awesome late night programming on the weekends.

I'd take weekly trips to the local mom and pop video stores (Electric City Video and National Video... oh how I miss you), or Blockbuster when one of them finally opened nearby. I would comb the Horror and Sci-Fi sections, looking for anything with a really cool cover, and though my picks were not always mom approved, some cool stuff did slip by. (Like "Q: The Winged Serpent!") Along with the weekly video store raids, I also stayed up late on weekends and caught some really cool and oddball flicks on USA UP All Night, and TNT's Monstervision and 100% Weird. Also, had it not been for my late night viewing habits, I would never have discovered Mystery Science Theater 3000.

I'll give you two reasons why I watched USA UP All Night religiously.....

During this renaissance (if you want to call it that) I developed a fondness for certain types of films. Sure, I liked action and adventure films, and Comedies were fine by me, but in the end, I always found my way back to Horror and Science Fiction. In a time in my life where I was a social outcast (i.e. ahead of my time), it was films from these two particular genres that kept me going. I watched them, studied them, and in my teenage years, I began to collect them.

By the time I was in high school, I was known as "the movie guy" in my group of friends, and owned somewhere in the ballpark of seven-hundred VHS tapes (maybe even more). I also got my first decent computer and began exploring the web and discovered Badmovies.Org, a site that would forever change my life and lead me to a hobby that I continue to this day.

Eventually I quit collecting VHS, and moved onto DVD (and now from DVD to Blu-ray), continued to write about movies on my own site, and also over at Rogue Cinema, attended Horror cons & film fests, read numerous books about film, and collected lots of movie memorabilia. Heck, I even dabbled in filmmaking in my one year at college, where I was majoring in Radio & T.V. Broadcasting, and I've worked in three video stores over the course of my life.

I guess it comes as no surprise that I am forever pigeonholed as "the movie guy" wherever I go. I don't necessarily mind that since I'm a devout lover of films, but it has its drawbacks.

My first main pet peeve about being a "film buff" is that people simply assume I am one. I was never a self-proclaimed expert on cinema, but since I have an above average knowledge on the subject, people just presume that I know everything there is to know about movies. This of course leads to frequent vague questions about films, like "Who was that guy in that one movie?" or "What movie has that part where [insert action here] happens?" or "Which movie is it where that one actress gets naked?"

If I actually know the answer, I am applauded. If I don't, I get exasperated comments like "Aww c'mon.... I thought you knew movies man!" Yes, you're right... I'm supposed to be the central hub of movie knowledge on this planet. Allow me to apologize for not knowing what the hell you're talking about, or having not actually seen the movie you are trying to inquire about.

Which leads me to this intensely annoying question: "Have you seen [movie title]?"

I despise that question! Just because I see a lot of movies, doesn't mean I see EVERY MOVIE. I have a distinct taste in film (as do we all) and I tend to focus on stuff that interests me. I do try to "expand my horizons" from time to time, but many films do sadly go unwatched. Also, I don't just sit and watch movies all day because I have a job, daily chores, as well as other hobbies and interests. Believe it or not, I actually have a life! (GASP!)

But the worst part isn't the assumption that I've seen every movie ever made (a complete impossibility), it is the reply that follows when I say "no" to the question, namely "YOU haven't seen a movie?!"

No, sorry, I didn't see the one goddamned movie you just mentioned. How dare I not spend all my waking hours watching everything I can, just on the off chance that you and I can chat it up about the latest movie that held your (limited) attention for more than five minutes! Instead of acting like it's a world-shaking event, you could have just said "Oh you haven't seen it?! Well you should definitely watch it sometime because it's good!" If you said that, then I wouldn't be telepathically beaming a hearty "F*CK YOU" at you with my mind.

Like I'm doing right now.

And if you really think it is something I should watch, give me a quick synopsis. Just try  and tell me the plot of the film in two or three sentences, avoid spoilers, but do share a highlight or two (like witty dialogue, or a brief overview of an action sequence). Do not stand there and tell me the entire freakin' movie. If you spoil the plot twists and/or the fates of the main characters, then why the HELL would I bother watching the movie?!

Finally, to conclude my ranting tonight, I just want to go back to the nostalgic beginning of this post. As I stated above, I saw a lot of weird movies, monster flicks, and creature features during my formative years. The films I watched in my youth and early adolescence built a foundation for my preference in movies. As I've gotten older, my taste in movies has evolved, but I'll always lean more towards the genres that captured my imagination when I was growing up.

With that said, everyone's taste in film is subjective. We all like different things, though sometimes we can agree on what designates a good or bad movie. But in the end, we cannot ever pick ONE movie that is perfect, or one that is 100% awful! People find issues with even the best of films, and conversely find successes hidden within films that appear to be total failures. There simply are no absolutes.

Taking this into consideration, can you imagine how pissed off I get when someone accuses of me of not liking "good movies?" Just because I run a website that revels in low budget, cult, Horror, exploitation, and obscure cinema, my taste in film automatically becomes suspect? Well f*ck you!

Yes I have missed out on many films that are considered legendary classics (e.g. "Casablanca"), and yes I own quite a few movies that many would consider bad (e.g. "Troll 2," "Frankenhooker," et al.), but again its all subjective and comes down to everyone's personal opinions! Just because I can rejoice in the ineptitude of an Ed Wood film, or fully embrace the cheesiness of a Japanese monster movie, doesn't mean I can't watch an Oscar-winning film and not thoroughly enjoy it!

In closing, when it comes to movies, I like what I like, and if it's wrong for me to prefer watching "Evil Dead II" over "Citizen Kane," then I don't wanna be right!

If you agree or disagree with any of my statements, leave a comment below, or drop me a line on Twitter or Facebook! Thanks for reading; stayed tuned for more b-movie news, reviews, rants, and more!

ENTER THE "TERRORDROME" OR GET ALL "NESTALGIC" ABOUT GAMING!

Though I post about movies and such on this here blog about 99% of the time, today I'm doing something a bit different. I'm going to talk about two independently created video games for your PC that are free to play. (Yeah I know, I should be talking about these over at the Casual Gaming Blog, and I will, but these games are totally up your collective alleys! I just had to share!)

First up is TERRORDROME (visit the official site HERE), a supremely bad ass fighting game created with MUGEN. The creators have designed an impressive cast of fighters featuring a few familiar faces such as.... FREDDY KRUEGER, JASON VOORHEES, UNDEAD JASON VOORHEES (complete with broken chain around his neck), CHUCKY, GHOSTFACE, THE CANDYMAN, THE TALLMAN, ASHLEY J. WILLIAMS, LEATHERFACE, MICHAEL MYERS, and MATT CORDELL (aka THE MANIAC COP). Yes, you read that right folks, its a HORROR THEMED FIGHTING GAME and it is very well done! Despite the fact that Terrordrome's creators took the download link down on the site, due to pressure from several companies that didn't want their licensed characters to be included in the roster of a free, fan-made video game, you can still get your paws on this bad boy. ( ----> DOWNLOAD Version 2.7 NOW! ) Along with a lot of fixes, each character has their own "unleashed move" to deal out some real damage to their opponent. Check 'em all out in the following video.



The game still remains unfinished at the moment as its creators plan on adding Dr. Herbert West and Pinhead as playable characters. Plus there's still some music and sound f/x to add, along with a few new stages, and some more tweaks to the fight mechanics. I tried this out when it was in version 2.3, and I have to say that it has come a very long way. Though it can be glitchy at times, this is a really cool game that should have been snapped up for a legit release, not forced to become a "personal" (i.e. covert) fan project that certain studios don't want you to enjoy. (My sincerest "F*CK YOUS" to Warner Bros. and... Orion Entertainment? I thought they went bankrupt?!) Be sure to download and give it a shot, and share it with a friend.

Next up is a somewhat new MORPG that is rendered in awesome 8-bit graphics! Enter the world of... NESTALGIA! (Think of it as "Final Fantasy" meets" Dragon Warrior 3" meets "World of Warcraft.") Create a character, fully customize him/her, team up with others, go on quests, enter PvP matches, and more.... FOR FREE! The best part of this is that you get the entire game for free, not just MOST of it. (I'm looking at you "Age of Empires Online.") You can buy a subscription to get additional add-ons, but it isn't a necessity in the least, and probably goes towards the cost of keeping the game servers going. Check out the trailer for Nestalgia below, then give it a try, so you can have fun and wax ... nestalgic! (Zing!)



If you like what you see, or are just plain curious, visit the official site and download the game and try it out! It is currently a boring and rainy night here in my neck of the woods, so I know what I'm doing for the next few hours....

Contemplating "Prometheus." WARNING: Major spoilers ahead!

Ok, before I venture forward, let me once again reiterate that there will be heavy spoilers ahead. If you haven't seen "Prometheus" and plan to, stop reading right now. This is sort of a heady sci-fi flick, and you can't get into the meat and potatoes of it without discussing some key plot points or moments from the film. So seriously, if you want to keep in the dark before you see the movie, then GO.... NOW! GET TO THE CHOPPA!

So "Prometheus....."  I have a love/hate relationship with it. I went into this movie expecting an "Alien" film. Well it isn't.... and yet it is. I think for that reason alone, it kind of turned me off. It's not a bad movie but it wasn't what I was expecting and because of that, I think I need to give it another look. So what do I mean by is and isn't? Well it takes place in the "Alien" (and supposedly "Blade Runner") universe, featuring the Weyland Corporation before it merged with Yutani. It also has some strange mutations that will instantly forge a connection between the creatures in this and the Xenomorphs that we are all familiar with.

With that said though, this movie is its own beast entirely. Though the origins of our beloved penile-skullled Xenomorphs are briefly touched upon (more on this in a minute), the film is mainly focused on a group of scientists seeking out the truth behind humanity's origins. After discovering, what basically amounts to a "star map" at various archaeological sites, scientists Charlie Holloway (Logan Marshall-Green) and Elizabeth Shaw (Noomi Rapace) manage to get funding for a two year trip through space to find out the secret behind the ancient "invitation." (Courtesy of a one, Peter Weyland, played by Guy Pearce.)

Things naturally do not go well for the doomed expedition once they discover a chamber within an alien ship, full of jars that contain a black sludge. Said mystery goo turns out to be a powerful and fast-acting mutagen that can corrupt and mutate any lifeform it comes into contact with.

Now rewind to the opening of the film where an alien being, a pale-skinned humanoid (with the body of a Herculean demigod) stands above a raging waterfall on an undisclosed planet. (Most likely Earth.) The being (later referred to as an "Engineer") drinks some of the aforementioned black goo and suffers a cellular breakdown. The creature falls into the water and melts away to a cellular level, and we get a quick glimpse of some DNA strands coming together underwater. Though it has given its life in the pursuit of ... something.... (science?) the being has now created new life! The DNA code was transferred to other living organisms through the water, and theoretically jump-started evolution on Planet Earth, which eventually leads to us becoming the dominant species on the third rock from the sun.

This opening scene, coupled with the theories of the film's main scientific protagonists, suggests that The Engineers created humanity. Naturally, Charlie and Elizabeth want to know why, but as the opening scene dictates, humanity's very existence may have just been a fluke; a side effect of testing a dangerous substance that may or may not be a bio-weapon.

Also, according to various cave drawings across the world, humanity worshiped these advanced beings, who left at some point early in our history and never returned.They left our prehistoric ancestors to their own devices and left behind a map to a far off galaxy.

While the map is guessed to be a sort of invitation, the crew of the Prometheus eventually discover that A.) black goo = horrifying death by transmogrification and B.) that there is still an Engineer alive on LV-233 and it is none too happy when awakened from its cryo-sleep. It is also discovered that the angry being plans on taking a trip to Earth with a stockpile of black "muta-goo." For some reason, the extraterrestrials who made us now want to eradicate us?

After taking all of this in, I came up with a theory. The Engineers did not mean to make us, and perhaps at first, were elated that they had created a life form in their own image (some "God was an ancient astronaut" themes going on here). However, perhaps THEY were the dominant species out in space and worried that one day, humanity, their darling little mistake, would gain the ability to leave Earth and colonize other worlds and become their equal, or at the very least, challenge their power. Therefore, they left coordinates to their stockpile of killer muta-goo behind as a test. If humanity could figure out the map, and travel to LV-233, then that would mean that we as a species have evolved enough to pose a problem. The only thing left to do after that would be to visit Earth and contaminate the water supplies with the mutagen and keep us in check, either by complete extermination, or by turning us back into primordial beasties. This would be the Engineers' final solution in maintaining their power across the galaxies.

 That was the main thing that has been buzzing around my skull since I saw the movie, but I'd be remiss if I didn't discuss the portions of the film that directly figure into the "Alien" mythology. First off, like humanity, the Xenomorphs are definitely a genetic mistake. In the film, some worms get coated in the black goo that causes all the trouble and woes for the film's intrepid scientific team. The mutagen causes the inch-long critters to become two foot terrors. The monster worms latch onto their prey, and constrict their muscles so powerfully that they can break bones. They also like to hop into open orifices (particularly mouths) and have acid for blood.

Later in the film, Charlie Holloway is infected with the muta-goo by David, partially done out of scientific curiosity, and partially done out of spite because Charlie was always being a dick towards the android. Needless to say, things do not go well for Charlie (flamethrowers are involved) but he does manage to make "the sex" with Dr. Shaw before he is incinerated. By doing this, he genetically passed some mutant genes into his lover, causing her to get super-pregnant, super fast, with a four-limbed squid monster! Using a surgical machine, Dr. Shaw removes the fetus from her belly and supposedly destroys it. Later in the film, when she is trapped on a "life boat" with the enraged Engineer (made all the angrier after his ship was knocked out of the sky), she discovers that her dead "baby" is now a very alive and HUGE vagina-faced sex-topus, which she cunningly unleashes on the attacking Engineer.

Dr. Shaw escapes but we get to watch as the mighty "space jockey" grapples with the grotesque mutant until it finally manages to shove a huge ovipositor down his throat. Incapacitated, the Engineer collapses to the floor with the enormous "proto-facehugger" on top of him. Now this is where I think they screwed up with the movie.

At the very end, we get to see the FIRST ever (?) Xenomorph burst out of the Engineer's chest. This is cool and all and firmly ties it into the rest of the "Alien" universe but.... the creature is fully developed?! It doesn't go through the weird snake/tadpole chestburster stage, but comes out whole with all its limbs intact. (And judging by the way it opens its mouth.... it's a queen?)

I know this is the proto-Xenomorph, but it kind of upset me that they skipped one crucial part of its developmental process. Also, its appearance at the very end of the film is sort of pointless. In my opinion, the creature should have come into play earlier, or just been left out altogether. Word on the street says that this will be a trilogy, so they definitely could have left the proto-Xenomorph out of the proceedings altogether. Then again you gotta cater to the fans and get extra butts into those theater seats, right?

Also, the existence of the proto-Xeno opens up new questions and possibilities. Seeing as how Dr. Shaw and David commandeer an Engineer vessel and go to seek out humanity's creators/destroyers (not to wipe THEM out before they can destroy us, but to ask why they are so keen on our destruction), one has to wonder that if there are other ships, (according to David, there are many) then are there any more surviving Engineers on them? If there is, and if the newborn Xenomorph is a queen.... then we may have our setup for "Alien." What if there are more Engineers, and what if they are systematically impregnated by the latest bastard child to be created by their toxic muta-goo? And what if one of them manages to pilot a ship out of the atmosphere and crash land on a godforsaken rock that will eventually be labeled as LV-426?

This is all pure conjecture on my part, but I had to get this out there because I've been thinking (i.e. obsessing) over this movie all day. I didn't care for it, but damn it.... "Prometheus" really got my synapses firing. I'm thinking of giving it a second go in another week or two, mainly because it seems like everyone else loves it. Will my opinion of it change now that I know what to expect? If it does, you can find out for sure by following me on Facebook or Twitter.

If you saw "Prometheus" (which I'm assuming you did if you got this far) feel free to post your thoughts on the film (and on my ramblings) below. Also feel free to share any insights and theories you have about the film, the "Alien" universe, and what FOX's next move with the franchise is! Thanks for reading b-movie fans!

Thoughts on film piracy + legit PIRANHA 3DD teaser!

As I was scouring the web earlier tonight, I came across two interesting things. First off, an article over at FREDDY IN SPACE concerning illegal downloading caught my eye. (READ IT!)  John makes some good points and touches upon all the excuses that many folks use to rationalize what they are doing. Downloading a film for free (whether it be a shitty bootleg of a recently released Hollywood film that was shot with a camcorder, or a DVD rip) is wrong, plain and simple.

Now yours truly is no angel as I have dabbled in piracy myself, but I stay in the "gray" areas and focus my efforts on downloading obscure, rare, and out of print movies that I cannot simply purchase at a store, online or otherwise. That still doesn't make it right, but in some cases, it is the only option I have. I see it as the equivalent of  buying a homemade DVD-R, that contains a VHS-rip of some obscure 80's horror flick that has long been out of print. So for any of you high and mighty "I never illegally download anything" folks who pick up fan-made DVD-Rs online and at conventions, well... you are technically pirates as well.

Anyway, the second thing that prompted me to share some thoughts and opinions on this matter was the new short that "Hatchet" director Adam Green created. It's a funny (and gory) PSA talking about the inherent dangers of illegally downloading films off the web. Give it a look; it's great!




Piracy is nothing new, especially on the web, and I doubt anyone really thinks about the possible repercussions. No, not the repercussions that you'll suffer if you get caught (fines and threats of actual jail time), but the ones that affect the film makers, actors, special f/x teams, and all those involved in creating the movies you decided you just had to watch for free. Yeah, I'm getting preachy, but it bugs me, especially when guys like Eli Craig (director of "Tucker & Dale vs. Evil") discover their movie has leaked out onto the web long before they were able to find a distributor. That's not cool.

Film piracy is chugging along with no end in sight (unless Net Neutrality ends and/or laws are passed that will block certain sites from the American public) and studios are fighting a seemingly impossible battle against the army of digital buccaneers that are plundering their film libraries. So how should the powers that be in Hollywood fight back? Should harsher consequences be implemented for those that are caught? Should a privatized web-police force be set up to go after illegal downloaders? Ummm.... NO.

Submitted for your approval, here are a few ideas I have that will not only help Hollywood battle online piracy, but will also benefit us consumers too.

1.HOLLYWOOD STUDIOS NEED TO BECOME "THRIFTIER."
If it's one thing I've noticed, it is that movie budgets are becoming pretty damned ridiculous these days. Here's a word of advice to all the big studios in Hollywood: Scale back your production costs! And while you're at it, stop spending so much damned money on advertising!  If a film cost $20 million to make, don't attach another $20 million dollars in advertising fees to it! Now the movie will have to make back MORE than double its budget for you to see a profit!

If studios manage to get their crazy spending under control, the savings will eventually trickle down to consumers. Theater ticket prices (and maybe even concession prices) will go down, and the cost of a brand new DVD or Blu-ray on their initial release days may drop as well. Making films is a business, therefore studios should cut costs and increase revenue. Now this sounds easy on paper, but I'm sure there's tons of red tape that would make this simple solution next to impossible. Still, think it over Hollywood.

2. EASE PUNISHMENTS ON OFFENDING PIRATES
What? Go easy on those that would engage in digital piracy? Are you mad?! Well... no, I don't think so. The voices in my head say I'm perfectly fine. All kidding aside though, studios and the MPAA (who gave them all the power they have anyway?) need to chill out with their hefty fines and whatnot. Instead of charging several thousand dollars because someone has a few movies on their hard drive after visiting The Pirate Bay, why not force the downloader to pay the freakin' cost of a legal digital download or DVD? That way, they have "purchased" the film and can keep it, you turn a small profit, and walk away looking like less of a douchebag.

3. MAKE ALL DVDS & BLU-RAYS REGION 0
Who was the moron was that decided that there needed to be a whopping six (seven if you count Region 0) DVD regions in the world? That is just stupid as Hell! It is not fair to consumers when a film is available in a foreign country that is not available here. For that one reason alone, many people download foreign films off the web since they sometimes take months, even years, to reach the United States. Make all discs playable worldwide and piracy will take a hit in the gut.

If I can buy any movie I want, from any country on Earth, without having to own special equipment, that'd be amazing. Some companies already do this (Blue Underground) and it'd be awesome if others would follow suit. Then again... there's probably lots of red tape that would stop this from happening, since multiple distribution firms worldwide probably own the rights to various movies in each region (which is why the U.K. can get a "House" boxed set and us Yanks can't). If everything went to Region 0, I suppose it would most likely put a lot of them out of business. For that reason alone, this will probably never happen, but hey... the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.....

4. DIGITIZE ENTIRE FILM LIBRARIES; EMBRACE DIGITAL DOWNLOADING
One thing that always brings me back to the seedy world of movie downloading is the fact that there are so many films that are out of print, or just completely unavailable anywhere. Studios need to start going through their vaults, pull out everything they can, and convert them into a digital format. Not only will this help preserve many older, lesser known titles for decades to come (its always good to have a backup copy) but once this task is completed, the films can be sold to curious consumers.

Entire film libraries can then be streamed for a small fee, or downloaded for a bit more money, or customers can pay full price and either receive an actual DVD in the mail, or download a disc ISO and burn it themselves.

Warner Bros. does something like this with its own "burn to order" DVD service, however, the prices are high and the films are burned to DVD-R discs. (Wait a minute.... now studios are bootlegging their own flicks for a profit?!) Its a great idea, but who wants to pay twenty bucks for a DVD-R of "The Green Slime," especially if it's easy to download off the web, and readily available at a vendor's table at a convention? (Totally a rhetorical question by the way.)

To sum up this idea: Make more films available to your customers, keep the pricing reasonable, and make it readily and easily available in a digital format. Get it? Got it? Good!

Now these are just a few ideas that hit me, and its doubtful that any of them would ever be implemented or actually work (#2 and #3 would totally work by the way), but I felt that I had to throw my two cents in after reading what John had to say. If you agree with me, or disagree with me, or have ideas of your own to fight piracy while simultaneously benefiting consumers, be sure to comment below or over at the Vault's Facebook Page.

Finally, before I go to bed, I'd like to let you see the fun teaser trailer for PIRANHA 3DD that was unveiled during yesterday's airing of the SPIKE SCREAM AWARDS. It looks like so much fun, with tons of big ole boobies bouncing around, and lots of killer CGI fish, and.... Ving Rhames with SHOTGUN LEGS! Give it a look, then weep because it has been shelved by those idiots over at Dimension until sometime next year:





Well it's pretty late here in my neck of the woods and my eyes are trying to close without my approval, so I bid you all a good night.

"Detention" and "Monster Brawl" trailers; short rant about "Close Encounters of the Third Kind."

Hey all! Just discovered a trailer for a new Horror/Comedy called "Detention." The first half of the trailer makes the movie look like a typical teen/high school comedy, and then people die! It actually looks pretty entertaining and I wouldn't mind giving it a look. Check out the trailer and see what you think:



That whole "Heath Ledger" joke caught me off guard and gave me a good laugh. ("What? Too soon?") In fact, it seems like this movie is going to have a lot of witty banter; I'm very curious about this one, and have added it to my "movies I need to see" list. (Yes I actually do have one of those.)

Next up is a trailer for an indie film called "Monster Brawl," a film where various legendary monsters battle it out in a wrestling ring to become the mightiest monster of all time. The lineup includes "Frankenstein," "Cyclops," "The Mummy," "Witch Bitch," "Swamp Gut," "Lady Vampire," "Zombie Man," and "Werewolf" and only one will survive this "fight of the living dead."



Hahahaha. "Monster Brawl" was an official selection of the Fantasia Film Festival this year and it looks totally ridiculous (holy shit! Jimmy Hart?!) but should be a fun watch. Visit the OFFICIAL SITE to learn more about the film and its mon-stars. There's no release date yet for this film, but it has been picked up for distribution so I'm thinking it'll get a release sometime in September or October.

Lastly, I need to get something off of my chest. "Super 8" has given me a craving to go back and revisit some of my favorite Spielbergian films from my childhood. I really wanted to watch "E.T." but I don't own it and NetFlix isn't streaming it at the moment (bastards!). So I opted for "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" instead. I haven't seen this particular alien film in well over a decade, and it is surprising how much I didn't recall.

It's a great movie and Spielberg was at the top of his game when he wrote and filmed it. The film triggered my superhuman "nostaglia sense" and I felt like a kid again; it had me reminiscing about watching this film late one Summer night on The Disney Channel, long before it became cluttered with horrible "tweener" sitcoms.

However... after mulling it all over, I've come to a huge conclusion: The alien beings in this movie are complete dicks! (Note: SPOILERS AHEAD!)

"People of Earth..... F*CK YOU!"

First off, lets discuss how they first make their presence known to the scientific community in the film. The aliens come down and drop off a half-dozen World War II fighter planes, still in mint condition. Later, during the climax, they release all of their human captives, including the pilots of those six planes! While this is all well and good, you have to stop and consider this: The pilots have not aged; they've been missing for nearly forty years; everyone they knew is either old or dead; everything they knew is now either changed or gone.

These guys are going to have to adapt to (what they would consider) a more futuristic world with no family or friends to help them! (And that's even if they are allowed back into society; methinks the military would probably just keep them bottled up somewhere for vigorous questioning for the remainder of their lives.)

Secondly, along with giving (most likely) hundreds of people a bad sunburn, they also implant a sort of post-hypnotic suggestion in various folks, compelling them to come meet their eventual conquerors for a friendly chat at Devil's Tower in Wyoming. One of said folks is Richard Dreyfuss' character Roy Neary.

After his brief encounter with a U.F.O., Roy begins to have a near psychotic breakdown. He sees a certain mountainous shape in everything and tries to unlock the mystery behind it. He continuously creates a mountain-like shape out of everything and anything he can, whether it be shaving cream, modeling clay, or delicious mashed potatoes.

"This means something...... most likely divorce."

This causes him to act a wee bit crazy and it wrecks his entire life. He loses his job, his wife takes the kids and runs off (mainly because she's terrified), he destroys a good portion of his house to create a huge scale model of Devil's Tower, the neighbors think he's insane, and he seems pretty OK with it all once he discovers where Devil's Tower is.

He just picks up his stuff and drives off to Wyoming without a single thought, and risks life and limb to escape from military custody and witness the first contact between man and extraterrestrials. In the end, his reward for having his life on Earth completely destroyed, is to be chosen by his tormentors to go with them into outer space, where he is quite likely to be brutally (and frequently) anal-probed.

Finally, because they probably couldn't bear to leave Earth without giving us technologically inferior humans a final "f*ck you," the aliens totally snub the government's elite chosen crew of abductees. A group of personnel that we briefly see a few times throughout the film, were hand selected to go up to the stars and learn more about the aliens.

Their identities are taken, they are given a quiet moment of prayer, and then marched up to the mothership (with Richard Dreyfuss following gingerly along). The aliens approach the group of would-be galactic travelers, grab Richard Dreyfuss, and take off. ("Wait! Guys! You just unloaded about four dozen other kidnap victims, I think you have room for eight more people! Oh come on? Really?! You chose Richard Dreyfuss over US?! F*CK YOU ALIENS!")

And these are just the main indications that the superior race of beings that visits Earth in this film is made up of assholes. They also bait police officers into a "car chase," which ends with one cop driving off a cliff. (We never know what happens to this bit part character, so I'll assume he died in a fiery inferno of screaming metal.)

And they also kidnap a child and drive his mother as equally insane as Richard Dreyfuss. Do we, the people of Planet Earth get an apology for any of this, or even demand one? Hell no! They just mess with us, destroy lives and property, then wave goodbye. And we practically thank them for it! And for that, I guess we deserved to be on the receiving end of the antics of these visiting galactic fratboys.

Well that's my rant about "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." Its a classic, and a great film overall with all the right Spielbergian touches that made cinema of the 70's and 80's awesome. If you haven't seen it, or just haven't see it in a while, give it a watch. It is still widely available and currently streaming on NetFlix!

Check back tomorrow night for two new capsule reviews and enjoy the rest of this gorgeous Thursday!

Spielberg's dark obssession with aliens and robots revealed!

As I've continued to work on my review for "Super 8" (coming soon I assure you!), I thought to myself, "Man, Spielberg sure likes his alien movies." Off the top of my head I recalled "E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial," "Close Encounters of the Third Kind," the remake of "War of the Worlds," plus he had aliens show up in both "A.I.: Artificial Intelligence" and "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." And then I checked his IMDB page......

Films Spielberg has directed that somehow involve alien beings:
1964 - Firelight
1977 - Close Encounters of the Third Kind
1982 - E.T. - The Extraterrestrial
2001 - A.I. - Artificial Intelligence
2005 - War of the Worlds
2008 - Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Well nothing at all alarming there right? I mean the guy has done "Jurassic Park," "JAWS," "Schindler's List," "Saving Private Ryan," and an entire spectrum of films from nearly every genre. But then you look at the films he has produced / is producing, and the alarm bells start going off.

He's smiling because he's thinking of aliens and robots right at this very minute!

Films and TV series that Spielberg has produced, that somehow involve aliens:

1982 - E.T. - The Extraterrestrial

1987 - *batteries not included

1997 - Men in Black

2001 - Evolution

2001 - A.I. - Artificial Intelligence

2002 - Taken (one episode)
2002- Men In Black II

2007 - Transformers

2009 - Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

2011 - Super 8

2011 - Terra Nova (Pilot episode)

2011 - Transformers: Dark of the Moon

2011 - Cowboys and Aliens

2011 - Falling Skies (8 episodes)

2012 - Men in Black 3

And let's not forget the Spielberg-produced remake of "When Worlds Collide" that is coming out next year. No aliens, but humanity is about to be taken out by a rogue planet. However, there's a second, life-sustaining planet riding shotgun with it. Will some people (enough to repopulate) manage to make it to the other planet before Earth is eradicated?! 

In any case, one really has to wonder.... what is Spielberg's sudden obsession with alien movies?!?!

There is only one answer: SPIELBERG IS AN ALIEN!

Also, Steven seems to have a spin-off obsession with robots now as well. Once again, allow me to list some films to prove this point:

Spielberg-directed robot movies:

1971 - Duel (I'm grasping here, but c'mon, it has a killer truck! It could be a robot in disguise...)

2001 - A.I. Artificial Intelligence

2002 - Minority Report (spider-bots!)

2005 - War of the Worlds (the alien "tripods")

2013 - Robopocalypse

Spielberg-produced robot movies:

1987 - *batteries not included

2001 - A.I. - Artificial Intelligence

2007 - Transformers

2009 - Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

2011 - Transformers: Dark of the Moon

2011 - Real Steel (Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots: the Movie!)

2013 - Robopocalypse

Ok yeah I may be really reaching here, but there's no denying that The Spielberg has suddenly gotten a huge hardon for robots and aliens lately. I'm not really complaining though because I too enjoy robot and alien cinema (which this has been a landmark year for), but I have to admit that its a bit eerie that he's directing and producing so many in so short a time. If you're worried about aliens, then continue to watch the skies. Me? I'm going to watch The Spielberg instead.....

New print of "The Evil Dead" possesses Dryden Theatre in Rochester, NY!

Greetings cult movie fans! My apologies for not frequenting this blog (or my site)! Truthfully I was thinking of putting the kibosh on this here blog because I just don't know what to do with it. But until I figure that out, it shall remain online as part as the ever-growing, and ever-evolving B-Movie Film Vault.

But nevermind that, the important thing right now is "The Evil Dead," Sam Raimi's cult horror classic from 1981. We've all seen this movie numerous times, and many of us have been duped into buying it over and over again by those bastards at Anchor Bay (case in point, the "Limited Edition" Blu-ray is coming out on Tuesday, August 31st), each one boasting something new that the prior release didn't have.

I myself ended up buying "The Evil Dead" three times (VHS, DVD Special Edition, Book of the Dead Edition), which is pretty good considering I bought "Evil Dead II" five times (two VHS tapes, DVD special edition, Book of the Dead edition, and the Blu-ray release) and "Army of Darkness" five times (VHS theatrical cut, DVD theatrical cut, bootleg edition on VHS, then later on DVD, and finally the "Boomstick Edition). Stop raping (me and) the fans Anchor Bay!

In any case, Saturday night I drove up to Rochester, NY (three hour trip mind you) with my girlfriend Tara, and my buddy Greg to see an all new print of "The Evil Dead," made from the original 16MM print. This particular print of the film was lent to the Dryden Theatre (at the George Eastman House in Rochester) by Sage Stallone and Bob Murawski from Grindhouse Releasing.

Joining us for this milestone event was the triple threat of Kristy Jett (of Fright Rags fame), her best friend Laurie, and Bill Adock from Radiation-Scarred Reviews. We combined our forces and feasted at a place called dogTown where I discovered the horror that is the "The Junkyard Plate." (a.k.a. "The Garbage Plate" which is made up of various foods that I would never dare to mix together.)

After filling our bellies with deliciously greasy food, we went to the theater to see, what is in my opinion, the most beautiful print of "The Evil Dead" in existence. (I kind of want to get the Anchor Bay Blu-ray, just to compare the picture quality.)

To kick things off, Kristy got up and did an introduction for the night's feature presentation, and geeked out a bit about Sam Raimi, telling the audience about how he eventually teamed up with Rob Tappert, Bruce Campbell, Scott Spiegel, and everyone else who brought this cult gem into existence. She also shared a few fun anecdotes about Sam Raimi that she heard from folks like Fred "Monster Squad" Dekker and Mark Shostrom.

I got a kick out of Mark Shostrom's tale of his meeting with Sam Raimi to do the makeup f/x for "Evil Dead II." He was so embarrassed by his crappy car, that he parked it a few blocks away, and walked to the meeting, only to later discover that Sam himself drove an equally crappy vehicle. (a.k.a. "The Classic")

After Kristy finished her little speech, the lights dimmed, and a series of cult movie trailers were played to get us all in the right mood. My memory is a bit sketchy, but I think this is the full list of trailers we saw: "Maniac," "Alligator," "Phobia," "The X Y Z Murders," "Venom," "On the Right Track," (with Gary Coleman!) and "Dressed To Kill." Bill and I cheered for "Alligator," and the audience as a whole cracked up during the trailer for [in a whispering voice] "Phobia." (a.k.a. "The Nesting")

Here are some of the aforementioned trailers that I managed to find on Youtube:

And then "The Evil Dead" played.... and all was right in the world. For the next 85-minutes, we all gawked at the most beautiful print of "Evil Dead" I think any of us has ever seen. The crowd in the theater was totally in tune, and we all screamed, shouted, and laughed in unison at the demonic antics of the film's beleaguered stars. It is truly experiences like this that makes three-hour drives to a movie screening totally worthwhile!

As for the film itself, I will say that the image was a bit soft, but compared to all the VHS and DVD versions I've seen, nothing comes close. The picture was clear, the movie was in its original aspect ratio, the audio was fantastic, and I think I have finally fallen in love with this cult classic. (To date, "Evil Dead II" was, and still is, my favorite in the trilogy.) Plus, I can tally up seeing yet another classic horror film on the big screen!

After the movie, we bid our fond farewells to Kristy and company, then departed for our (tortuous) three-hour trek back into Northeastern, PA. And while we're on that topic, many thanks to Garmin for making a GPS that likes to mess with its users. The damned contraption decided that the best course to take on our return home was through a toll road, then down Route 96, through Ithaca, NY. Thanks for making our return trip longer than it had to be! (A-holes!)

Saturday was a blast, and I still can't over how good "The Evil Dead" looked! If it's playing in a city near you, I urge you to go out of your way and see this print of the film; you will most assuredly thank me.

You can get the entire schedule of "Evil Dead" movie screenings by clicking HERE and going to the official Grindhouse Releasing webpage! Cross your fingers that it is playing at an independent theater near you!

As for actual website news: Stay tuned for a double-dose of Monster-Mania Con XV coverage with a (lengthy) article chronicling my adventures, plus a podcast (chock full of John Carpenter scores in the background)! After that, I'll return to my original mission of reviewing Gary Ugarek's "Deadlands: Rising" and "Deadlands 2: Trapped," and finally post Holly Hobgoblin's guest review of "Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror."

After that? Well, if I make it to Monster-Mania XVI, you can expect coverage of that event; the return of some ancient reviews from the olde Vault archives, perhaps another podcast, and my two contributions to a remake-themed roundtable at the end of September!

Finally, I know I haven't been posting much on the blog (or site for that matter), but I'm working towards changing that. If you don't see much action around the Vault, feel free to bug me over at The B-Movie Film Vault Facebook Page. (Now with over 260 "likers" and counting!) At the very least, I check out said Facebook page twice a day and post various links, videos, and b-movie news that should be right up your alley. JOIN US.... won't you?