Vault Master's TOP TEN KILLER ANIMAL FILMS: #1 - JAWS (1975)

JAWS (1975)
124 minutes / Color / Rated PG

The Culprit(s): A 25-foot (rogue) Great White Shark that has acquired a taste for humans... the other, other white meat.

The Plot: Surprised that this made number one? Yeah, I didn't think so. "JAWS" basically set up the template for all the sequels and knock-offs that were spawned after its release, and has rightfully earned its status as a true cinematic classic. This tale of "nature run amok" centers around a small island community off the coast of New York called Amity. It's a quiet little village that relies on Summer tourism to get by each year, but things quickly go bad for the islanders once a rogue Great White shark begins snacking on locals and tourists alike. After claiming several victims, the beaches are shut down, and a shark hunter named Quint (Robert Shaw) is hired to track down and kill the offending fish.


Along with Amity Police Chief Martin Brody (Roy Scheider) and a marine biologist named Matt Hooper (Richard Dreyfuss), Quint sails out in his boat ("The Orca!") in search of the elusive man-eating shark. The trio of men cross swords with the mighty creature and trade blows, which eventually results in one tired and angry shark and one crippled boat. As the battle continues, Quint is devoured by his finned opponent, leaving Chief Brody (who ironically is terrified of the water) to continue the fight whilst clinging to the mast of the sinking "Orca."

In a totally unlikely scenario (as disproved on Mythbusters) Chief Brody manages to kill the Great White by shooting the tank of compressed air that was hanging from the shark's mouth. The bullet causes the tank, and the shark, to explode, which allows Brody and Matt Hooper (who miraculously survived the Great White's wrath by hiding underwater) to swim back to Amity to share the good news.

Based on Peter Benchley's novel of the same name, "JAWS" is an excellent character-driven film with effects that still hold up well today. The best part of the movie (aside from the chilling shark attacks) is the bonding experience between the film's trio of heroes. Quint, Brody, and Hooper all come from different backgrounds and have their own reasons for going on their dangerous mission, and its neat to see them pull together against a common foe, and occasionally have a bit of fun.

Quint is a former World War II vet that was on the ill-fated U.S.S. Indianapolis, which was sunk by a Japanese submarine in shark infested waters. Though he never comes out and says it, you get the feeling that he has an axe to grind against any and every shark in the sea since that fateful experience.



Hooper is on the opposite end of the spectrum and "loves sharks." He's been a fascinated with sharks since his childhood and thinks that they are graceful, misunderstood creatures. He joins the hunt for the elusive Great White mainly out of scientific curiosity, but also because he knows that the killing won't end until the shark is caught and destroyed. Lastly there's Chief Brody who is terrified of going into the water. He goes along on the trip because of his strong sense of duty to the town and to his family. All in all, he has to be the bravest person in this film because he overcomes his fears and ultimately saves the day.

You really get to like all three of these guys and you want to see them pull through the ordeal in one piece because you care about them. And that is the result of good writing and good acting folks, which helps make this film so damned near perfect. In an age where effects and budget seem more important than the script and talent, its good to know that we can still go back and watch films from a time when studios gave a damn about what they put out in theaters. Long live "JAWS" and may it continue to mystify (and terrify) younger generations for many years to come!


Why it made the list: Do I really need to explain? This movie basically created the template for almost every killer animal flick made over the last four decades. I mean, hell, look at the previous ten films that I put on this list, and you'll see that half of them are basically "JAWS" with another murderous animal replacing the Great White as the lead antagonist. This movie set a standard, broke box office records, kick-started Steven Spielberg's impressive career, and resulted in the perennial Summer blockbuster season that we've all become accustomed to. For better or worse, "JAWS" brought some major changes to the film industry.



Why YOU should watch it: Really? You haven't seen "JAWS?!" You been living in a cave?!

While it looks a bit dated now, "JAWS" has aged well, and Spielberg's "less is more" approach with the shark works so damned perfectly. (Of course, he had to take that route because Bruce the mechanical shark never seemed to want to work. Luckily Bruce did work often enough for Spielberg and company to get the job done.) Along with an amazing cast of memorable characters, and an effective (yet simplistic) musical score by John Williams, this is a must see film that should make you think twice about going for a swim.

Is it worthy of a remake? NO! LEAVE THIS MOVIE ALONE HOLLYWOOD! If I hear that a remake is in the works, I think I may very well "go Frank Castle" and punish those who would corrupt and tarnish the image of the original. If you want, do a new sequel ("JAWS 5" talk occasionally makes its rounds around the web every now and again), that's cool by me, but leave the original alone! There's not really much you can do to improve upon it so please, let it be!



The "JAWS" Legacy continues: Along with three sequels that became increasingly worse as the series progressed, (the final film, "Jaws: The Revenge" is horrid!), "JAWS" has spawned numerous knock-offs, such as the notorious "The Last Shark" which was actually pulled out of American theaters and banned after its release, for being "too derivative" of Spielberg's film. However, the influence of "JAWS" has transcended mere celluloid and has embedded itself into pop culture for all time. Even today, references to "JAWS" pop up in magazines, films, and books and the mighty Great White was even made into an impressive-looking toy by the folks over at McFarlane Toys for their "Movie Maniacs" (4) series.

"JAWS" has also been made into two awful video games (the notoriously bad "JAWS" released by LJN way back in the day for the original NES and "JAWS Unleashed" for PS2 and X-BOX), and has inspired a slew of fan films and tributes on the world wide web. Here is just a taste of the stuff that you can find online:



And believe it or not, there was a "JAWS" parody made called "Blades" which featured a killer lawnmower! Don't believe me? Then feast your eyes upon the following Youtube video:



And most recently, "JAWS" has had the honor of being riffed on by MST3K's Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett, and Kevin Murphy. Here's a "greatest hits" compilation of their hilarious Rifftrax commentary:



Well that's all folks! I hope you have enjoyed reading my Top Ten Killer Animal Films countdown! While I'm sure none of you were shocked to see "JAWS" take the number one spot on the list, I do have to say that I am shocked that so many folks haven't disagreed with the films that made the cut. Usually at least ONE person will complain, saying "you should have included this film" or "why isn't this movie higher up on your list?" but surprisingly it seems like I've managed to create a well-balanced list of films that most (if not all) of my readers seem to be happy with.

I've gotten a lot of positive feedback on this top ten list so I may end up doing another one later on down the road, but first, methinks I should get the rest of the B-Movie Film Vault back up to snuff. Thanks for reading, and my sincerest apologies for taking so long to complete this killer animal flick countdown.

Stay tuned for some more new stuff at The Vault, and keep fighting the good fight b-movie fans!

Vault Master's TOP TEN KILLER ANIMAL FILMS: #2 - Razorback (1984)

Razorback (1984)
95 minutes / Color / Rated R

The Culprit(s): A giant man-eating razorback (i.e. a boar) that holds grudges, excels at nighttime ambushes, and doesn't like being taunted by its dinner.

The Plot: An American journalist named Beth Winters travels to the Australian Outback to do a story about the Pet-Pak meat plant, whose workers have been allegedly killing off the area's population of kangaroos in order to provide American and other countries with an affordable pet food. (My theory is that the kangaroo meat was actually being shipped to various McDonald's restaraunts.) Beth steps on too many toes in the small outback town she is staying in, and ends up on the wrong side of two "Road Warrior" rejects named Dicko and Benny. They run her off the road late at night, but their attack and attempted rape is cut short when a giant Razorback steps in to save Beth.... for its dinner! After Beth becomes pig chow, her despairing hubby, Carl Winters, shows up and begins searching for some answers.



He's pointed in the direction of a crazy old man who kills razorbacks for a living (mainly because a certain giant razorback ate his grandson in the film's opening sequence), named Jake Cullen. Eventually Carl discovers what really happened to his missing wife (few things are as depressing as having someone tell you that they found your wife's wedding ring in a huge pile of Razorback feces), and decides to exact a little vigilante justice, first on Dicko and Benny Baker, then on the monstrous warthog that ate his beloved. Carl is a good guy though, and he can't bring himself to murder anyone in cold blood, even if they deserve it. Still, he does manage to make sure that Dicko and Benny bite the dust (one falls down a mineshaft, the other is eaten by the razorback), and then destroys the scourge of the Australian wastes, by luring it into a giant "garbage disposal."



Why it made the list: Most people know Russell Mulcahy for being the director of the "Highlander" (the only good film in that particular franchise), but few are even vaguely familiar with this Aussie take on the "JAWS" tale. This film is a well-crafted thriller that wanders into total mind-f*ck territory a few times, and the lead antagonist (the giant razorback) is a rather awe-inspiring creation. What's sort of odd about this film is that the giant pig takes a backseat to all the human drama, and while that would seem to be a bad move, it actually works here. And oddly enough, the best part of the movie has to be the beautiful camerawork and cinematography, which adds a layer of depth to the proceedings, especially when Carl gets lost in the hellish Australian outback.

The intense heat from the sun and lack of water causes Carl to begin hallucinating, which leads to some strange and intensely eerie moments, especially when he is assailed by the rotting remains of a horse that bursts out of the ground! (This actually used to give me nightmares when I was a kid.) The acting is decent all around, which is good because this is essentially a character-driven film, and the razorback itself is pretty damned impressive. The super-swine was brought to life with some very effective animatronics, and while you wouldn't think a giant warthog could be a terrifying monster in a film, I beg to differ. The razorback proves to be a ferocious and intelligent beast, and its single-minded tenacity is quite frightening. If this thing is hungry, it will bash its way through the wall of a house, or the side of a car, just to get the tasty human treats inside!

Aside from the giant flesh-eating pig and the trippy hallucinogenic moments found throughout the film, the one thing I found profoundly strange was the sort of "Mad Max" vibe the film took on. Dust and sand are everywhere in the sparsely populated town this movie takes place in, and apparently everyone either drives broken-down vehicles, or heavily armored trucks that look like they came right out of "The Road Warrior." Hell, the townsfolk and the employees at the Pen-Pak plant look like they just stepped out of the friggin' Thunderdome!

This movie is a true outsider in the realm of killer animal films because unlike the rest, it has definite art-house appeal, and somehow that works in the movie's favor. Trippy visuals, gorgeous cinematography, and an odd, yet memorable soundtrack (by Iva Davies) makes "Razorback" one of the strangest (and prettiest) films in the nature strikes back sub-genre.

Why YOU should watch it: Its trippy art-house appeal aside, "Razorback" is still a film about a giant killer pig and that alone makes it worth watching. Sure there have been films in the past where people have been devoured by hungry swine ("Hannibal," "Rambo," and "Daddy's Deadly Darling" all come to mind), but this is the only film in which the man-eating hog actually bursts through obstacles to obtain the delicacy that is human flesh.

I think that all you really have to do to fall in love with this movie (or at least open up that closed mind of yours), is to watch the first ten minutes of it. Aside from the great lighting schemes and creepy visuals, we get to witness a giant boar bursting through a house in order to obtain its prize: a young child! That's right folks, a little boy is violently kidnapped and carried off by a giant pig in the opening moments of "Razorback!"



Along with the sequence where Carl Winters starts hallucinating while lost in the outback, this is one seriously crazy film that bears at least two viewings. (Once when you are completely sane and sober, and once when you are inebriated or in a "higher state of mind.") Plus it was made by the guy that directed "Highlander," so how could you possibly go wrong?!

Is it worthy of a remake? Hell no! This movie is an underrated and oft-forgotten classic that doesn't deserve to be sullied by a retarded redo. Sure the story can be recreated, and the effects can be improved upon, but no one will ever be able to recapture the film's "fever dream" vibe. Seeing as how "Razorback" is completely out of print, I don't think we'll have to worry about a remake any time soon.

Then again..... if a remake were in the works, that would almost guarantee a nice deluxe special edition DVD of the original film.... NO! I must not be tempted! As much as I want a legit Region 1 DVD of "Razorback," I don't want it to be remade! (Fie on you Hollywood if you dare to rape this piece of art!)

Well it's almost here b-movie fans... the number one pick for my all-time favorite killer animal flick! Rather than hand out my usual (hackneyed) hints, I'm just going to make you sweat it out until I type up my final article for this countdown. And really, why should I have to give you a hint when you probably already know what holds the top spot on this list. Check back soon, to see if your suspicions are indeed correct!

Vault Master's TOP TEN KILLER ANIMAL FILMS: #3 - Alligator (1980)

Alligator (1980)
90 minutes / Color / Rated R

The Culprit(s): An extremely ill-tempered and constantly hungry alligator named "Ramone," that became gigantic after devouring dead lab animals that were pumped full of various drugs, chemicals, steroids, and hormones. (Ramone is clearly the Alex Rodriguez of killer animal film stars.)

The Plot: A young girl's pet alligator (named Ramone!) gets flushed down the toilet by her asshole father, and is left to survive on its own in the harsh, shit-filled sewers of Chicago. Luckily for the little critter, an up-and-coming mad scientist has been dumping dead lab animals into a nearby section of the sewer, thus providing chemical and hormone-filled meals for the growing reptile. Roughly twelve years later, the tiny pup of a gator has turned into a 36-foot, 1-ton monstrosity with an unquenchable hunger for human flesh! (Whoops!) Once the discovery of human limbs at the sewer treatment plant becomes the norm, homicide detective David Madison (Robert Forster) takes the case and discovers good ole Ramone down in the sewers. At first David is met with a lot of skepticism, but after a missing reporter's camera is found in the water of the sewage treatment plant, the balding detective finally has proof that something big is in the sewers of Chicago and eating people. (Had this been New York, they probably would have listed the deaths and disappearances as C.H.U.D. related incidents.)

Eventually Ramone the alligator leaves his dark domain after the entire Chicago police force enters the sewers and tries to flush him out. He immediately goes on an incredible eating binge and devours several unlucky cops, an insane big-game hunter named Colonel Brock (Henry Silva!), the people responsible for Ramone's freakish mutation, guests and hired help at a wedding, and one poor youngster that had the misfortune of being forced to play "pirate" with two older asshole kids. Ramone eventually tires of being chased around and heads back to his underground lair, where he is blown up by Detective Madison. But all is not lost, because unbeknownst to Madison and his hot herpetologist sidekick Marisa Kendall, someone else in Chicago has just flushed a baby alligator down the toilet. Uh oh.... I smell human feces..... and a sequel!



Why it made the list: This is yet another film that is unjustly brushed off as a rip-off of "JAWS" (starting to see a pattern here?) and unlike many of the other films I've discussed thus far in this countdown, this one is pretty much a straight-up monster movie. This film is not trying to make a statement (aside from "don't flush baby alligators down the toilet" and "testing chemicals and shit on puppies is bad"), it's just a fun romp with a fig-bucking alligator in the sewers of Chicago.

"Alligator" is approached with a tongue-in-cheek attitude and provides a pretty good story that is driven by a talented cast. The only really weak portion of the story is the underdeveloped subplot that involves an evil millionaire named Slade who has an equally evil (future) son-in-law named Arthur Helms, who is mainly responsible for Ramone's monstrous mutation. However, this loose end is taken care of when a certain 'gator with a bad attitude arrives uninvited at Arthur's wedding and begins dining on the guests.

While he doesn't get nearly enough screen-time, Ramone is the film's real star, and is portrayed by both a real alligator, that enjoys strolling through miniature sets at night, and a large rubbery mechanical gator that isn't totally convincing, especially when seen in broad daylight. Still, it is a testament of how special effects were (and should be) done, and helps add to film's overall fun factor. Combined with a likeable cast of characters (e.g. Detective Madison with his humorous insecurity about his receding hair line), a simplistic but appropriate score (that somewhat apes the "JAWS" theme) by Craig Hundley (whose career as a composer pretty much ended in 1987), and a generous helping of devourings and dismemberments make this one of the most respected films of its kind.

Why YOU should watch it: Well if seeing a film that has a giant, mutant, man-eating alligator isn't enough to get your goat, then I really don't know what to tell you. Ramone the alligator is the main draw of the film and his carnivorous exploits are still pretty impressive by today's standards, especially considering that bad killer croc and gator films are a dime-a-dozen these days. Also, you get to see one of the most shocking child deaths ever filmed, when two kids force a friend to "walk the plank" in the inground pool behind their house, with some disastrous consequences.

First of all, where the f*ck were mom and dad when the two obvious bullies blindfolded their younger counterpart and led him outside at (plastic) sword point to his ultimate demise?! Sure Ramone ate the kid, but he was merely acting on instinct; the real villain in this scenario is the air-headed mom that turns on the pool lights just in time for little "Billy" to see the maw of pointy teeth below the surface of the water. Even if there wasn't a giant alligator in the pool, the poor kid probably would have drowned!



There's also a few other notable moments that make this a memorable entry in the nature run amok sub-genre. Watch in amusement as Ramone bludgeons his way through a city street and chases after a group of kids who were playing stickball, engages in a naval battle with some idiotic cops armed with automatic rifles and grenades, crashes the wedding of his inadvertent creator, and crushes a limo, plus the old man inside of it, with his mighty tail of rubber!

Is it worthy of a remake? Well, it'll be hard to truly do this film justice, and with the recent glut of low-budget and terrible killer crocodile and alligator films, I think that now is not the right time to even consider a remake of this classic film. (However, I have to note that "Rogue," which was released under Dimension's EXTREME DVD label, is actually pretty damn good.) For now, I think that "Alligator" should be left alone and enjoy its spot as, quite possibly, the greatest film ever made about a giant man-eating reptile. Seriously, I think that this movie is so good, that even its shitty sequel, "Alligator II: The Mutation," can't hurt its "sterling" reputation.



"Hoof" it back here soon to find out what film boasts the number two spot on my continued countdown of my favorite killer animal flicks!

Vault Master's TOP TEN KILLER ANIMAL FILMS: #4 - Piranha (1978)

Piranha (1978)
92 minutes / Color / Rated R

The Culprit(s): A school of genetically altered piranha that can live in any type of watery environment (fresh water, salt water, cold water, hot water, flavored water, etc.), have the capacity to solve problems (there's a dam in our way? Well we'll just backtrack and find a way around it!), and they can allegedly breed like bunnies in heat!

The Plot: After two hikers trespass onto a thought-to-be-abandoned military testing facility and get eaten alive after taking a dip in a pool full of genetically altered piranha, an investigator named Maggie McKeown is put on the case. Maggie manages to team up with an alcoholic single-dad named Paul Grogan (Bradford Dillman), and together they discover where the missing people ended up. Unfortunately, during their intrusion on government property, they unwittingly drain the piranha pool and set the voracious little terrors loose into the cold, fresh water of "Lost River." The piranha immediately go on a feeding frenzy, eating anyone foolish enough to water-ski, swim, scuba dive, or go fishing.

As the film reaches its climax, the test subjects of "Project: Razorteeth" attack a resort full of unlucky recreational swimmers. To stop the unending carnage, Paul and Maggie take matters into their own hands and attempt to wipe out the piranha before they reach the ocean and spawn. Their solution? Pollute the f*ck out of the river by opening up a waste pipe within a sunken sewage treatment plant! Though it appears that they were successful, the film leaves the ending open for the eventual sequel: "Piranha II: The Spawning." In the sequel (which was directed by Oscar Winning Director James Cameron!), these toothy bastards live out at sea aboard a wrecked naval vessel and can fly because they have been crossbred with California flying fish and grunions!



Why it made the list: This Roger Corman production is yet another rip-off of the immortal "JAWS," though this film changes the formula up enough to be interesting and entertaining as hell. The first big difference between "Piranha" and the film it borrows from, is that it features a school of killer fish, rather than one big one that swallows people on a whim. To me, this is a far more horrifying scenario, because the victims are being devoured alive by an insatiable predator that won't stop eating until all that's left is a pile of bones. At least in "JAWS" the victims either get a brief respite during a shark attack (instilling in them false hope), get completely consumed before they really know what's happening, or at least get a chance to defend themselves against their lone attacker. In the case of the piranha, they surround their victim, strike repeatedly, and never let up. How can anyone even think they can stand against such a mindless voracity? Well the truth is, you can't. Once those little f*ckers get into a frenzy, you are pretty much S.O.L.

Aside from having an excellent antagonist in the film, "Piranha" boasts some pretty impressive (though sometimes hokey) effects, and has a cast of well-developed characters that you actually want to survive the onslaught of the killer fish. Dr. Robert Hoak (Kevin McCarthy!) is a prime example as he is the creator of the dreaded piranha. He messed with the piranha's genetic code in order to make a bio-weapon for the Vietnam War, but once the project was scrapped, he continued his labors. Though he is the creator of the "Razorteeth" that are swimming around Lost River and dining on innocent victims, he seems to feel no guilt as "he wasn't the one that let them out." But his cold scientific exterior is just a facade because he is the first one to dive into the piranha-infested waters in order to save a young boy that is stranded on a sinking boat. For his selfless act, Dr. Hoak gets chewed to shit and dies.


Then there's Paul Grogan's daughter Suzie who is stranded at a summer camp that demands children go into the water. Little Suzie is afraid to go in the water because she thinks something will get her. Although the kindly counselors attempt to keep her high and dry, the asshole who runs the summer camp basically calls her a gutless worm and berates poor Suzie on a frequent basis. (To quote this sumbitch: "People eat fish. Fish, do not eat people!") However, once the piranha pay a visit to the camp, Suzie bravely rows a raft out to save two stranded counselors while Captain Dickweed proves to be utterly useless.

And that leads me to another great thing about "Piranha:" it's a film that isn't afraid to put children in harm's way. Why that may lead you to believe I'm a sick individual who enjoys watching the slaughter of innocents (and you would be correct in assuming that), I think that this helps give the film an edge that allows it to keep normal viewers off balance. I applaud any horror film that kills off youngsters, mainly because it A) creates a little shock value and B) destroys any preconceived feelings of safety that viewers may have had before the film started rolling. (This is also why I love "Grizzly" and the final three films in this countdown; because they are not afraid to show or imply a small child getting eaten!)

Along with an all-star b-movie cast (Dick Miller, Barbara Steele, and Keenan Wynn!) and a wonderfully eerie score by Pino Donaggio, this is a movie that deservedly belongs in the upper echelons of killer animal cinema!





Why YOU should watch it: Well for starters, it's directed by Joe Dante, who approaches this film with just the right amounts of horror and humor. (Not familiar with Joe Dante? Well he has also directed "The Howling," "Gremlins," and an often overlooked flick that I love called, "The Explorers!" If you haven't seen any of the film's I've just mentioned, you best crawl out of your friggin' cave and check them out!) "Piranha" also features early effects work by Phil Tippett (and Rob Bottin!), an excellent score by the aforementioned Pino Donaggio, and a fairly sizeable body count. And you can't help but love the weird sound effects the piranha make underwater when they attack their victims. "Piranha" is a fun flick that has aged better than you'd expect, and I can't recommend it enough!


Is it worthy of a remake? Well Roger Corman's New World Pictures remade "Piranha" in 1995. While not nearly as good as the original, this remake is, at the very least, watchable. And guess what? "Piranha" is getting remade again, by Alexandre Aja (writer/director of "High Tension" and "Mirrors") and it's going to be in 3D! This time around, the killer fish are prehistoric piranha that were released from an underground lake by an earthquake. It sounds like it will be an awful lot of fun, and I can't wait to see it, especially if the 3D effects are as good as they were in "My Bloody Valentine 3D!"

The countdown continues tomorrow with my third favorite killer animal flick. It is yet another rip-off of "JAWS" and features one of the most memorable "child deaths" in film history! Check back tomorrow night; see you later 'alligator.'

Vault Master's TOP TEN KILLER ANIMAL FILMS: #5 - Grizzly (1976)

Grizzly (1976)
a.k.a. Killer Grizzly
91 minutes / Color / Not Rated

The Culprit(s): An eighteen-foot tall bruin that has acquired a taste for human flesh!

The Plot: After two female hikers are killed and eaten at a state park, by what is believed to be an amazingly large Grizzly Bear, park ranger Michael Kelly takes the case and attempts to track down the rogue bear. However, he and his fellow rangers aren't nearly enough to stop the hungry grizzly's killing spree, so they enlist the aid of an insane naturalist named Arthur Scott (Richard Jaeckel, who also starred in William Girdler's "Day of the Animals"), who tries to get into his quarry's head by dressing in bearskins and communing with nature. Along with a helicopter pilot named Don Stober, Ranger Mike's chances of finding and putting down the rogue bear seem to improve. Unfortunately for the bear-hunting trio, their prey is smarter than they are, and the bear continues to be one step ahead of its hunters, even up to the final moments of the film. By the time the climax rolls around, Arthur and Don are dead and its up to Mike to kill the rampaging grizzly or become its next feast. When his trusty scoped rifle fails to put the bear down, he opens the door to a nearby helicopter and pulls out..... a bazooka?! Yup! He pulls out a friggin' bazooka, and sends Not-So-Gentle Ben to the Jellystone Park in the sky.



Why it made the list: William Girdler was a visionary director, and I can only imagine what other cinematic oddities he could've cranked out, had he not died tragically in a helicopter crash in 1978. "Grizzly" is an almost unapologetic rip-off of "JAWS," that derives so much from Spielberg's classic film, that you wonder how it escaped a lawsuit from Universal. The only real change is the location (i.e. dry land instead of the ocean) and the type of animal that's eating people (i.e. a big grizzly, instead of a big shark). Everything else is pretty much blatantly stolen from "JAWS," including: the use of point of view shots when the bear stalks and/or attacks its victims, the inclusion of a trio of heroes that are hunting the film's menace, the "beaches (or in this case, state park's campgrounds) need to stay open" plot point, and finally, the complete destruction of the film's antagonist via an explosion. Hell, even the bear's them music sounds similar to John Williams' immortal "JAWS" theme.


However, unlike "JAWS," this film plays more like a cheap slasher film, since the bear stalks its victims, then lashes out with its deadly claw when they least suspect it. (Ummm... how would a one ton bear that's more than twice as tall as an NBA player sneak up on someone? The mind boggles!) The scenes where people are attacked and/or killed are pretty clumsy, and end up eliciting laughs instead of screams. But there are two kills in the film that actually pull off the horrific element fairly well. The first features the mauling of a small, bunny-loving boy, who ends up getting bear-hugged (quite literally I assure you). He loses a leg, then gets to watch the murderous bear kill his mother. This scene is definitely handled clumsily, but it is so damned ballsy, that you just sort of forgive it. The second scene I'd like to mention features a woman getting yanked out of her tent in the middle of the night and brutalized by the uber-violent grizzly. Her husband looks on in horror and screams as she is lifted into the air and violently shaken back and forth by her unseen assailant.

But these are pretty much the only truly serious moments in this fun but flawed exploitation flick / rip-off. The rest is so darned ridiculous and cheesy, that you can easily forget you just saw a women get ravaged by a bear.... or that a small boy was physically and mentally disfigured for life, after Winnie the Pooh's bloodthirsty cousin paid a visit to his house.....



Why YOU should watch it: Rather than guilt you into seeing this movie because its director died while trying to bring yet another entertaining film to the American public, I'll just rattle off a few highlights that make this a surefire must see film. First of all, you get to see people get attacked by an oversized (and totally unconvincing) bear claw. This bear is a definite righty, and uses his dominant claw to drag his victims to their offscreen demises, including an attractive blonde ranger who just had to strip down and bathe in a waterfall. Then there's the various scenes of bear-on-human brutality throughout the film that range from being delightfully absurd, to genuinely chilling. I think my favorite kill in the film is when Arthur Scott (Richard Jaeckel) is attacked by the bear. Arthur is knocked out of the saddle after his horse is beheaded by the grizzly, then gets mauled and buried in a shallow grave to serve as a snack for later. Arthur eventually wakes up and digs himself out of the ground, but before he can thank God for being alive, that pesky bear shows up to finish the job. (Doh!)


And to top it all off, the bear is blown away with a f*ckin' bazooka! What other movie has ever been gutsy enough to have the lead character pull out an anti-tank weapon and kill a (formerly) endangered species?! No wonder this was the highest grossing independent film of all time.... until John Carpenter's "Halloween" came around that is.

Is it worthy of a remake? I think this one could stand a remake, as most recent attempts to make killer bear movies have been utter failures. ("Grizzly Rage," I'm looking in your direction.) If someone in Hollywood does get the ball rolling for a "Grizzly" remake, then I think they should strictly make it a serious and straightforward horror flick. I don't mind if they make it a little tongue-in-cheek, but I think they should completely shy away from making it a campy throwback to the ecological horror flicks of the 70's... that is, unless Quentin Tarantino and/or Robert Rodriguez got involved.....

The countdown to number one continues tomorrow with a classic Roger Corman produced knockoff of "Jaws." Don't miss it!

Vault Master's TOP TEN KILLER ANIMAL FILMS: #6 - The Birds (1963)

The Birds (1963)
120 minutes / Color / Rated PG-13

The Culprit(s): Hundreds, nay thousands, of birds hailing form a variety of species, including seagulls and crows.

The Plot: Melanie Daniels (Tippi Hedren) is a spoiled little rich girl who takes a shining to a fellow named Mitch Brenner and drives out to Bodega Bay, California (home of "The Fog!") to pay him a surprise visit. But Melanie should have just stayed home because mere moments after her arrival, she is dive-bombed by a seagull. Though she only receives a superficial wound, the gull attack is quite a shock, and as it turns out, is just a small preview of coming attractions. As the days tick by, the bird attacks increase, with each new attack proving to be more vicious than the last. The birds swoop down and ruin a young girl's birthday party, then they invade a guy's house and peck out his eyes (which sadly occurs offscreen), then they go kamikaze on a school full of children, and finally, they carry out a daring air strike on the town itself, resulting in lots of broken windows and the fiery destruction of a gas station. As the plague of birds continues to build, Melanie, Mitch, and his family barricade themselves into their seaside home in a desperate fight for survival.



Why it made the list: One has to wonder how Alfred Hitchcock suddenly decided to make a film about birds revolting against humanity, especially when you consider that the bulk of his films were mysteries and thrillers. Then again, "The Birds" falls into both of those categories. It is a mystery because no one knows why all the birds in Southern California are joining forces to peck the shit out of people (my theory is that they are in Bodega Bay solely to nest in Tippi Hedren's hair), and, "The Birds" is also a thriller because it thrusts characters we can actually care about, into a deadly and fairly unbelievable scenario. (Essentially, the only choice these people have is to either find a solution to the avian invasion, or just hope to survive nature's sudden onslaught.)


"The Birds" featured groundbreaking special effects, and was actually pretty violent and graphic for its time. Aside from a few people with stage blood on their hands and faces, we get glimpses of birds crashing into windows, and a pretty shocking scene where Lydia Brenner (Mitch's mom; played by Jessica Tandy) discovers the eyeless corpse of a neighbor. It is also interesting to note that "The Birds" does not have a soundtrack, which makes it a real cinematic oddity. I guess this was done to help make the proceedings seem even more realistic, but even if that wasn't the case, it kind of works in the film's favor. In a world where movies rely on loud musical cues to help elicit scares from audiences, its nice to look back on a film that didn't have to resort to that.



Why YOU should watch it: This movie is a classic and, aside from "Psycho," is probably Hitchcock's most memorable film. I could blather on about how good the movie is on a technical level, or how it was nominated for an Oscar for Best Visual Effects, but really, all you need to know about "The Birds" is that it delivers the goods. The scenes where the film's antagonists fly in and attack fleeing woman and children are nothing short of amazing. What I love about this movie is that each bird attack attempts to one-up the one that came before it, and it almost gets to a point where you almost expect to see flocks of birds having "dogfights" with military airplanes. (Sadly this never happens, but you can imagine how cool it would've been.)

Also, there's that nifty corpse with the empty eye-sockets that Jessica Tandy discovers, and there's a wonderful moment in the film where an old know-it-all wench gets her comeuppance. Said old crone is a self-proclaimed bird expert and tells everyone in a diner that birds don't attack people and they most certainly do not coordinate their attacks with other bird species. (As the saying goes "birds of a feather flock together.") Imagine this old bitch's surprise when a legion of seagulls rains down destruction upon the town moments after she delivers her speech.

Is it worthy of a remake? Well someone in Hollywood thinks so, and according to the Hollywood Reporter, that someone is Michael Bay. And why not? His production company, Platinum Dunes, has been behind the recent slew of horror movie remakes which include "Friday the 13th," "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre," and eventually, "A Nightmare on Elm St." Charlize Theron will allegedly star in this modern retelling of the Hitchcock's classic film, and it is set to come out sometime in 2010.

I can easily tell you now that a remake of "The Birds" will suck horrifically. While the effects used in the original aren't up to today's standards, Hitchcock at least used a lot of live birds in his film. The actors and actresses had something tangible (and very much alive) to react to, and in this modern age of CGI effects "wizardry" you know that the film makers aren't going to bother with any practical effects or trained animals if they can help it. Hopefully the proposed remake of "The Birds" will just quietly die and be laid to rest with the proposed remake of John Carpenter's "The Thing."

Hey, I just read elsewhere that there is a sequel to "The Birds." Is that worth watching? F*ck no! "The Birds II: Land's End" was a made for TV atrocity that came out in 1994. How bad is it? Well, director Rick Rosenthal, who is best known for directing "Halloween II," applied for an Alan Smithee credit because "The Birds II" was total ass.

Well we're halfway there gang! Just five more flicks to go before this list is done with, and I assure you I have been saving the best films for last. Check back tomorrow for number five on the countdown, which is aptly referred to by many as "Jaws with Claws."

Vault Master's TOP TEN KILLER ANIMAL FILMS: #7 - Orca (1977)

ORCA (1977)
a.k.a. Orca: The Killer Whale
92 minutes / Color / Rated PG

The Culprit(s): One vengeful and insanely intelligent killer whale.

The Plot: Captain Nolan (Richard Harris) is out on a routine whaling expedition, when he and his crew come across a pod of killer whales. (Which are actually a species of dolphin if you can believe it.) Nolan fires his harpoon gun at a big male, but ultimately misses his prize. The harpoon only takes a chunk out of the fin of Nolan's target, and instead, deeply embeds itself into the flesh of the killer whale's mate. Nolan's crew reels in their catch and hoists the dying animal out of the sea. It is here that the film strikes viewers with one of the most disturbing images ever seen in a PG-rated film: Mrs. Orca's vagina(?) horrifically spits out the fetus of her unborn child! A very rattled Nolan quickly washes the fetus overboard, drops the dying whale into the sea and heads back to port. Unbeknownst to Nolan, the husband of the pregnant killer whale he just butchered has followed him, and soon a game of cat and mouse begins. The vengeful cetacean injures and kills Nolan's crew-mates, ingeniously sets off a gas line explosion on the shore, causes thousands of dollars in property damage, and eventually coaxes the maligned sea captain out into open waters. The angry orca leads Nolan up into the icy waters of the Arctic, where they eventually have their final showdown.



Why it made the list: This was one of the first "Jaws" rip-offs, and even goes as far as to have a killer whale completely decimate a Great White Shark early on in the film. (Probably at the request of producer, Dino de Laurentiis.) But categorizing "Orca" as a mere rip-off isn't totally fair, as the only real similarity is that both films feature an aquatic menace. Truthfully, "Orca" is more like "Death Wish" than "Jaws," as it focuses heavily on the titular creature's attempts to avenge the death of its spouse and unborn child. (Sadly, the killer whale does not utilize a sock full of quarters in its revenge spree.)


What makes this film even more interesting though, is that Nolan, who is supposed to be the villain, suffers just as much as the creature he has wronged. At first he is totally disgusted by what he's done (and seen), and he actually feels guilty! However, as the film goes on, his guilt and sorrow turn to hatred after the killer whale claims the lives (and limbs) of the people that are closest to him. While this scenario is kind of cheesy, it does make for some compelling cinema, and you may even find yourself cheering on Nolan or the whale as the film's climax approaches.

Why YOU should watch it: Well for starters, you get to see the only(?) on-screen killer whale abortion in cinematic history. (While it doesn't look as convincing as it probably did in the 70's, it is still a pretty f*cked up scene that should elicit shocked gasps from unsuspecting viewers.) The effects in the film are overall, pretty decent, the cast is talented, and the soundtrack (scored by Ennio Morricone, one of the greatest composers of all time) is beautiful! And, as an added bonus, you get to see a killer whale bite off Bo Derek's leg!



Is it worthy of a remake? Hmm... that is a tricky question to answer here. Up to this point, all of the film's I've had on the list were, for the most part, low-budget exploitation flicks with environmental themes. This film is an entirely different beast altogether as it had a good-sized budget, an all-star cast, and music by Ennio Morricone. I think, that for the first time, I'm going to say "no, this movie should not be remade." It is far from being an immortal classic (like "JAWS"), but "Orca" has a pretty good cult following, and isn’t too shabby a movie. Then again, a remake of "Orca" can only make the original look all the better....

The countdown to my all-time favorite killer animal flick continues tomorrow with number six... unless I suddenly come down with the "bird flu." (Yes, that was a hint, and yes, I agree that it wasn't very subtle or witty.)

Vault Master's TOP TEN KILLER ANIMAL FILMS: #8 - Day of the Animals (1977)

Day of the Animals (1977)
a.k.a. Something Is Out There
97 minutes / Color / Not Rated

The Culprit(s): Every type of animal imaginable, including wolves, dogs, rats, snakes, hawks, owls, mountain lions, and bears! Oh my!

The Plot: A hole opens up in the ozone layer around Earth and turns every animal living at high altitudes into a vicious, mindless killer that is hellbent on the destruction of humanity! And wouldn't you know it, just as this happens, a group of hikers decides to climb up a mountain and take in the beauty of Mother Nature. As soon as the group of city slickers is well-stranded up in the great outdoors, everything with paws, claws, and wings begins stalking and terrorizing the mixed crew of (former) nature lovers. After the group is whittled down by several animal attacks, the survivors decide to retreat back to civilization. However, one of the beleaguered hikers, Paul Jenson (Leslie Nielsen!), is slowly going as crazy as the local fauna. He manages to talk half of the group into going with him to "safety," and eventually evolves from an irritating asshole, into a full blown psycho who suddenly decides that he can beat a bear in a wrestling match. In the end, a little girl is the lone survivor of the unlucky group, and she is rescued by soldiers donning haz-mat suits made of aluminum foil. As for that pesky hole in the ozone, it magically patched itself up overnight. And all of the crazy killer animals? They all conveniently keeled over and died after the ozone phenomenon ended.



Why it made the list: Growing up, this was probably the only nature revenge flick that I missed out on, and I filled a huge void in my life by finally buying and watching "Day of the Animals." This is a taut little thriller that features some impressive moments where man and beast interact, and although it contains some truly awful dialogue, I think that it just adds to the film's charm. This is easily one of my favorite William Girdler flicks, and it is a crying shame that he made so few films before his tragic death in 1978. (Rest in peace Bill; you will be missed, but your films will live on forever.)

Why YOU should watch it: Where else can you see Leslie Nielsen (star of "The Naked Gun" trilogy) go batshit insane, kill a guy, attempt to rape a weeping woman, then battle an enraged bear?! If that doesn't sell you on this movie, I don't know what will. (Watch Leslie Nielsen degenerate into a madman in the Youtube clip below. To see him battle the bear, skip ahead to the two-minute mark.)



Is it worthy of a remake? Hell yeah, though I doubt that modern audiences will buy the "hole in the ozone layer makes animals go crazy" plot point. On the downside, if this does get remade, it will most likely feature fake-looking CGI animals terrorizing a group of horny teenagers who completely lack common sense. Hmm... maybe this one shouldn't be remade after all....

Murder, revenge, and a disturbing abortion at sea are just some of the highlights of the next film on the countdown. Check back tomorrow to see what "mystery" movie is occupying the number seven spot on my killer animal flick list!

Vault Master's TOP TEN KILLER ANIMAL FILMS: #9 - Frogs (1972) and Food of the Gods (1976)

Because I just couldn't make up my mind, I ended up with a two way tie for the 9th spot on my top ten killer animals list. Here are two insane films from the psychedelic 70's!


Frogs (1972)
90 minutes / Color / Rated PG

The Culprit(s): Frogs, Snakes, Tarantulas, Snapping Turtles, Lizards, Alligators, etc.

The Plot: A physically disabled old bastard named Jason Crockett (Ray Milland) is holding himself a little birthday party at his swampy island estate. Though it is an all family affair, the party is crashed by a young freelance photojournalist named Sam Pickett (a young Sam Elliott!), who has been photographing the heavily polluted swamp. Apparently old man Crockett hates every living thing in the bog and has done all he can to have every bug, reptile, and amphibian eliminated from his property. But it is not nice to f*ck with Mother Nature, and soon, everything in the nearby swamp is lending a hand in the battle against humanity. In the end, Sam Pickett and a few others make a hasty retreat away from the Crockett mansion, leaving the nature-hating cripple to his own fate.

Why it made the list: More than anything, nostalgia was the lead factor in my choosing this film for this list. "Frogs" is not very good or exciting, but it is fun to see the parade of critters that lash out at the offending humans. This cheesy exploitation flick is pretty much the "Last House on the Left" of the nature strikes back genre. It has a gritty feel, and features some of the most intelligent animals I've ever seen, including ambushing arachnids and lizards that engage in chemical warfare. While it is very dated and seriously flawed, I can't help but love it.



Why YOU should watch it: Because you will see a crippled man being covered from head to toe in big ugly frogs at the film's insane climax. Also it's kind of cool to see actors reacting to actual animals, rather than unconvincing ones that have been rendered with CGI. Plus, this film is proof that Sam Elliott was actually young once. Why is that a big deal? Because it now gives you the advantage against a fellow film nerd that swears that Sam Elliott is an immortal.

Is it worthy of a remake? Not really, but I wouldn't mind seeing a new and improved version of this flick, especially if the frogs from the title actually attacked and devoured people!

Food of the Gods (1976)
88 minutes / Color / Rated PG

The Culprit(s): Giant rats, giant wasps, giant worms, and giant chickens!

The Plot: A gent named Morgan and his friends are spending some time hunting up in the Canadian wilderness, when suddenly they are accosted by giant wasps! They flee to a nearby farm that is owned by a crazy old woman name Mrs. Skinner. According to this shit-kicking wench, the wasps grew to their abnormal size after eating "the food of the gods," which turns out to be a strange white viscous fluid that suddenly began coming up out of the ground. But the wasps (which are later wiped out in a daring raid on their nest) aren't the only pests that got into the super-grow jizzum. Some worms snacked on it, then later snacked on Mrs. Skinner's hands before she took a knife to them. A rooster had a bit, turned into a huge cock (sorry, I couldn't help myself), and was later killed by Morgan with a pitchfork. But the worst plague of giant critters arrives later, in the form of an army of giant rats! The giant rodents go on a rampage, eating everyone in their path, until Morgan and friends devise a plan to get rid of the overgrown vermin.

Why it made the list: Again, nostalgia played a role here, since I love the films made by the late and great Bert I. Gordon. (a.k.a The "Notorious B.I.G.") This guy had a strange obsession with making movies about giant things, and gave us such classic sci-fi fare as "The Amazing Colossal Man," "The Beginning of the End," "Attack of the Puppet People," and "Village of the Giants." Bert's "The Food of the Gods" was based on the H.G. Wells tale, and features some fairly impressive effects. In particular, the giant rats look pretty good during their closeups, mainly because mechanical rat heads were utilized.



Why YOU should watch it: Because this film is a classic in its own right and showcases some nifty old school special effects. Before the dawning of CGI, film makers had to rely on various forms of practical special effects. If a film called for a massive battle between two armies, then a casting call for thousands of film extras would go out. And if a movie needed giant killer animals, then folks like Bert I. Gordon would fall back on forced perspective shooting and/or the creation of life-sized mock-ups of the animals needed for the film. Plus, it's always awesome seeing someone battle for their life against a stuntman in a rat costume, especially after you have a few brews in you.

Is it worthy of a remake? Well H.G. Wells "War of the Worlds" and "The Time Machine" were remade, so why not just go ahead and redo this one too? Since it is not hailed as a classic by critics or the general public, no one will be up in arms if the "Food of the Gods" gets remade. Heck, it can't be any worse than the hilariously cheesy 1989 sequel, "Gnaw: Food of the Gods Part II" which also featured giant rats, as well as a giant, foul-mouthed child!



Check back tomorrow (especially if you're a William Girdler fan) to find find out what killer animal flick made it to the number eight spot.

Vault Master's TOP TEN KILLER ANIMAL FILMS: #10 - Prophecy (1979)

Prophecy (1979)
a.k.a. Prophecy: The Monster Movie
102 minutes / Color / Rated R

The Culprit(s): Mutated Wildlife; most notably "Katadin," a fig-bucking mutant grizzly bear with a foul temper.

The Plot: Dr. Robert Verne (Robert Foxworth) is an inner-city doctor who is investigating claims that a logging company is polluting the environment, somewhere up in Maine. His continued testing and research eventually reveals that the loggers are using methyl-mercury, a harmful substance (and mutagen!) that can result in severe medical problems, deformed babies, giant tadpoles, enormous trout, killer raccoons, and giant mutant grizzly bears! Once he obtains proof (in the form of two sickly mutant bear cubs), Dr. Verne, his wife (Talia Shire!), and their Native American allies (Armand Assante and Victoria Racimo!) prepare to blow the lid off the logging firm's dirty secret. But a monkey-wrench is thrown into the works by the cubs' vengeful mother, Katadin, and soon, Doc Verne and company find themselves in a desperate fight for survival against a deadly freak of nature.

Why it made the list: I'm sure many of you are surprised that this eco-thriller made it to my list, and I can't blame you. Director John Frankenheimer took a very serious approach with this film, and that resulted in some extensively boring scenes and many unintentional laughs. (Frankenheimer most definitely should have made this a tongue-in-cheek affair.) Still, despite the ludicrous plot and lethargic pace, this cautionary tale does provide us with some much needed mutant bear-on-man action. The real show-stopper here, is the "exploding sleeping bag scene." It is easily the best kill in the film and is, in my opinion, one of the greatest deaths ever captured on celluloid!

What's that? You say you're not familiar with this historic cinematic moment? Then check it out for yourself below!



Why YOU should watch it: Because it has a mutant f*cking bear as well as the aforementioned "exploding sleeping bag" scene. Sure there are other highlights (e.g. Talia Shire getting mauled by a slimy mutant puppet; an Armand Assante stunt-double doing a cannonball through a window; an insane raccoon that gets tossed into a fireplace), but nothing will ever top that sleeping bag scene. Never.

Is it worthy of a remake? Hell yes! If someone like James "Slither" Gunn got his paws (no pun intended) on the rights to this film and wanted to redo it, he would have my blessing. I really think it could work if the film makers (and script writers) had a sense of humor about the proceedings. My only stipulation for the (highly unlikely, but not impossible) remake of "Prophecy," is that they keep the sleeping bag scene, but this time around, make sure there's some gore to go with the explosion of feathers!

Stay tuned for number nine on my "Top Ten Killer Animal Film" list, which ended up as a tie between two "nature strikes back" flicks from the 70's!